Countdown
by X Amount
Summary: *UPDATED* JD knows the signs. He's seen them on countless patients, knows how serious they are. But what does he do when he's seeing them in the mirror? Slash and angst. Character death? Wait and see...
1. Ten Regrets

_A/ N: So hi… this story was originally started two or three years ago. I gave up on it, but for some reason you lovely people liked it. I've decided to rewrite it, hopefully making it better. As a warning, I know absolutely nothing about the medical side of events. So I'm really sorry if I get anything wrong, please correct me. I hope you enjoy it! _

_**Little AU Bits:  
**__Turk and Carla have Izzy, and Dr Cox and Jordan have Jack. But Dr Cox and Jordan aren't together, and neither Jordan or Kim are pregnant. In fact, Kim isn't real. Which is always fun. JD has his own apartment. _

_Review, pleaseee? :)_

JD was silent.

He sat absolutely still, not taking his eyes of the chart in front of him. It was not a good chart. It was, possibly, the worst chart he had ever seen. Mainly because it was his.

He spoke aloud. "Right, last time." He squeezed his eyes shut, and balled his hands into fists. "Come on…" he whispered, trying to ignore everything else. He opened his eyes, eagerly leaning forwards. The damn chart was still there. He read it again. Still said the same damn thing. Well, that had been an overall waste of time. He flopped backwards on to the table. It was cold, hard, and made of metal. Why had he never noticed how uncomfortable these tables were? Probably because he'd never had to lie on one of them before. He was quite glad of that. They hurt.

This was his second time here. He was just as nervous this time round. JD had come into the Saint Giles hospital a week ago, to be prodded, poked, x-rayed, sampled, and every other degrading thing you could imagine. It was not fun. He had begun to feel a new sympathy for his patients after only a few minutes. Today he was here to get the results. And what results they were.

He opened his mouth to swear, then closed it. Swearing wouldn't help him now. He wasn't sure if anything could.

* * *

Carla sighed and leaned back slightly.

"Turk, honey?" she asked. "Do you know if Bambi's in? I haven't seen him today."

Turk shrugged nonchalantly. "Don't worry baby. He's probably just got the day off. My vanilla bear can take care of himself! No need to go all mushy on him."

Carla rolled her eyes. "Please. You worry about him so much more than I do. If he's out of your sight for more than an hour at a time, you get all twitchy and irritable."

"I do not" Turk twitched, sounding irritated.  
"And now you're angry."  
"I am not!" He yelled angrily.  
"And now you're gonna storm off, all sulky."  
"Am not." Turk said sulkily, before storming off. Carla sighed again, but caught sight of Dr Cox. She lunged and grabbed his sleeve.

"You. Have you seen JD?" Dr Cox looked up. Carla cursed inwardly. She was developing the ability to predict when he would rant. And this time, she was right.

"Do I know where Barbara is? I don't know. I don't follow her little pink dress around all day you know, looking for bobbing pigtails in the crowd. Because, unlike most of you, I have a life. It may be one filled with idiots, morons, and worst of all, interns, but it's a life none the less. So, let's brainstorm. Where could Sally Anne be? She could be on a date with that patient's hot brother, couldn't she? But no, he can do better than her. So maybe her and Barbie could be shopping for lingerie, because after said patient's hot brother dumped her she went on an ice cream binge, and now nothing fits any more. But Barbie is, unfortunately, still here. And now here's a crazy thought- what if it's her day off? I mean, call me insane, but I think that it's not necessary for the girl to be at your side for every second of every day. Wait, I know what happened! While you weren't looking, Pricilla and his life partner Ghandi snuck off and are currently making out in a closet somewhere. Hmm? Or maybe-"

Dr Cox marched off, still ranting as he went. Carla felt sorry for any intern that messed up today. Or spoke to him. Or breathed in his presence.

* * *

"Sorry for that Dr Dorian." The woman said, sitting down in front of him. "I had to go check up on something. Have you had a bit of time to think about this?" JD nodded, sighing. He really hated being in the patient position. He knew exactly what the woman was going to say next.

"So. Like I said, you have advanced renal cell carcinoma. More commonly known as kidney cancer. We didn't expect this as you have no family history of kidney problems, you don't smoke and it usually affects men far older than yourself. I'm afraid-"

"I only have around a 50 chance of survival," JD cut in. "This has probably been lowered due to the fact I waited too long to get it checked out. I have a tumour in my renal cortex, which is too large to be left. My choices are-"

"Excuse me, Dr Dorian, who is the medic here?" JD sighed.

"You are."

"You are-"

"Dr Roberts."

"Thank you. I do understand you feel the need to take over. This must be very hard for you. Unfortunately, you are correct. I suggest surgery." But JD was shaking his head.

"No."

"But Dr Dorian, I-"

"No."

"But-"

"NO!" he shouted suddenly. "No to all of this! I will not have the surgery because I don't want to die."

"Dr Dorian, you are getting your facts muddled." Her voice was gentle. "Without surgery, you will die." JD seemed defeated, and sunk back slightly.

"I want another treatment." He said softly. He looked up, doe like brown eyes filling with tears. "Please."

Dr Roberts sighed. "If you really refuse to have the operation, we will have to resort to chemotherapy."

"Good. That's what I want."

"You do understand this cancer is notorious for being highly resistant to chemotherapy?"

"Yes." Dr Roberts sighed again.

"Alright. I'm not going to pretend I understand what is going on in your head. You have a strong aversion to surgery, for reasons we won't go into now. But I am strongly disappointed someone as experienced in medicine as you, who has seen the effects of this, are refusing what could possibly be your only hope at life. Do you understand?" JD looked up, before smiling beatifically.

"Oh, yes." He said, still smiling. He got up, brushing imaginary dirt from his lap. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."

"Okay Dr Dorian. We'll talk more. Same time, next week?"

"Sounds okay."

"And may I suggest you see a counsellor?"

"Sounds awful."

"Just once?" Dr Roberts asked, almost begging. She pushed her long red hair back from her face. "Please?" JD screwed his face up.

"Alright. Just once. Now, I really have to go."

"Of course." JD walked towards the exit, before pausing and turning around.

"Oh, and Dr Roberts?" The woman's deep green eyes flickered upwards. "Not a word to Sacred Heart?"

"Certainly. Hippocratic oath, remember?"

"Thank god, that's a huge relief. I couldn't stand them worrying about me. I'll be fine, yeh?" The smile returned, even wider than before. She smiled too. It was impossible not to.

"Goodbye Dr Roberts."

"Dr Dorian." She nodded. He walked out, still yelling back to her.

"I'll be fine! I'm perfect, yeh? I can beat anything!" She smiled. She'd never met a man so optimistic about his own downfall.

JD shut the door behind him and let his mask fall. His face crumpled and tears ran down his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

* * *

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Time, JD decided, wasn't real. It sped up or slowed down as it damn well pleased. How rude. Right now it was crawling along, the seconds seeming like hours. Only a few days ago he had told Turk he had missed work due to 'a killer hangover'. Cue high fives, cheers and Carla's disapproving glare. Now he was sitting on a unyielding chair, staring at the clock on the wall like it was the meaning of life. For somebody who loved talking about his problems so much, JD thought it was ironic that in therapy, he just wanted to leave. Or jump out the window. Or die.  
The grin faded on his face as he realised what he had just thought.

"So. Tell me more about yourself." Dr Jones broke the silence, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"What's to tell? I'm a thirty year old man with an old man's cancer. I'm a doctor, I work at Sacred Heart. I'm me." JD didn't make eye contact. The other man leant forwards slightly.

"You work at Sacred Heart?" the psychiatrist asked.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" JD said, drumming his fingers against his leg and counting as they hit the denim. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

"But you were sent to me from St Giles hospital. You went there to be treated?"

"It would seem so." 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

"Why didn't you just go to Sacred Heart?"

"Erm, I dunno."

"Don't you know, or do you just not want to think about it?"

"I don't know." He insisted. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Do, not, let, him, in. Do, not, let, him, in. JD had decided he didn't trust therapists, didn't like them- his secrets were his and he was terrified this man would find them out. He thought the words as he tapped his fingers down- he had to hold himself together.

"Can you try and think about it?" JD grit his teeth.

"I'd rather not." Do, not, let, him, in.

"Why are you so afraid of letting me in?" JD's fingers paused halfway through the repetitions, his mind stopped muttering his mantra.

"I'm not." He lied. 1do, 2not, 3let, 4him, 5in.

"Okay, so maybe we could try. Are you scared of what's going to happen?"

"No. Well, yeah. Well. I am scared. But not so much of that." He sighed and stopped tapping. No point.

"You're the expert on you, JD. But let's work on that- why would you be afraid?

"I don't want my friends to see me like this. I've never been ill like this before, which I'm pretty glad for. They shouldn't worry about me."

Dr Jones nodded slowly. "Perhaps you're also afraid of appearing vulnerable or weak to those stronger than you? Tell me if I'm wrong, of course." JD stared.

"Oh my god, Turk was right! You people are demons! Get out of my head!" JD scrambled away, before falling backwards off the chair. He stayed lying on the carpet, deciding it was comfier anyway. He had been slightly disappointed not to be asked to lie down on a sofa.

"Not a demon, JD. Merely a man who has seen and heard many other people in your situation. Is it a boss you are looking to impress, maybe?" JD's jaw dropped open.

"Dr Cox isn't the boss of me." JD said automatically. Dr Jones, looking interested, tried to make eye contact with JD but failed. Carpets are very interesting things when one is trying to avoid meeting a therapist's eyes.

"Dr Cox? Is he important to you?"

"Not really."

"Then why did you mention him?"

"How dare you?"

Dr Jones blinked rapidy. "I was just trying to-"

"Well, don't! I'm leaving." JD declared, standing up.

"You know that's your choice, JD. I won't stop you. However-"

"Please call me Doctor Dorian." JD hissed, knowing he was being a little bitch but not really caring.

"Doctor Dorian. Can you just do one thing for me?" JD groaned.

"Yeah, fine, whatever." JD was already zipping his jacket.

"May I suggest you make a list of ten regrets?" JD blinked.

"I'm sorry?"

"It's something I advise all recently diagnosed patients. I'm sure you're aware of the severity of your condition. So I ask all people in this situation to make a list of ten things you would regret not having done if, God forbid, something happened."

"Like what?"

"Oh, anything. Settling down. Having kids. Telling your boss to go screw themselves."

JD bit back a laugh. If he did that he wouldn't have to worry about dying eventually, it would happen in a few seconds. "Fine, sure, whatever. Is it okay if I go now?" JD asked sulkily. Dr Jones nodded kindly.

"Next week, same time, same day?"

"Yeah, sure, fine." JD practically sprinted out of the office.

* * *

Turk was growing impatient, and cold. This was his third attempt at getting through to JD and his tenth minute standing outside the hospital. First time the line said busy, the second time there was just no answer. He pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen.

"_Calling JD" _The phone screen informed him cheerily.

"Well you're not, are you?" He said grumpily. He looked at his watch again. Wednesday, 21:34. The graveyard shift sucked, but JD should be in. He was about to give up when there was a crackle from the other end.

"Hello?" JD asked.

"Vanilla bear!" Turk cried, delighted. He got a hold of himself, glancing around in case Kelso would materialise suddenly and shout at him for not working.

"Where are you? You party too hard again?"

"Um….no. I was at church. Praying." Was it his imagination, or did JD sound edgy?

"Praying? Dude, you can't miss work to pray."

"Oh, like Kelso noticed." Well, that was true, Turk thought to himself.

"Besides, if he does, I'll just tell him that I'm really torn up about some patient's death or something." Was it Turk's imagination or did JD sound distracted?

"So why were you actually there?"

"I was torn up about some patient's death."

"But you just-"

Carla's voice rang out behind him. "Turk, honey? Could you come here for a minute?"

"Sure, baby! Turk called. He turned his attention back to the phone. "That was Carla, JD. Gotta go. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Brown Bear. I'll see you." Turk slid his phone into his pocket, and wander

Turk took Carla's hand and they walked back into the hospital. "What's up, baby?"

"Not much." She said. "Just feeling a bit sick."

"Aww, honey." Turk pulled his 'sympathetic' face- secretly wondering why it was so important.

"And I feel really tired."

"I think we all do, babe."

"And my boobs feel bigger?"

"Really?" Turk asked gleefully, his attention suddenly grabbe.

"Turk… I might be pregnant." Turk stared.

"Baby, do I need to go to the store and get you a test? I can get you a test, you can do the pee- thing, right?"

"Nah, already did one. It was negative." Turk let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"That was cruel, woman!"

"It'll teach you to pay more attention to me! Turk, we have a baby. If you don't start acting more responsibly then I don't know what we're going to do!" Carla paused. "And don't you dare 'woman' me!"

_Eep_, Turk thought. _Carla's getting angry…best completely change the subject._

"I'm worried about JD." He said suddenly.

"Bambi? Why?" She asked, distracted.

"I called him up to ask where he was. He sounded pretty flustered."

"Where did he say he is?"

"Praying at church for some patient he lost."

"Aww, that's so sweet!"

"I know, but I don't think that's where he was…"

"Turk! He's our friend. We should believe him. Bambi wouldn't lie."

"Okay." Turk said uncertainly. "But I'm still worried…"

"Well," Carla said, her tone suddenly seductive. "Should I….distract you?" Turk's eyes lit up and he giggled like a kid.

"On-call room?" He mouthed. He reached in for a kiss, which Carla dodged.

"Someone's gullible tonight." She remarked, opening the hospital doors and walking back in.

"Damn!" Turk yelled, slamming his fist against the wall.

* * *

"Damn!" JD yelled, for a different reason entirely. He was halfway through this stupid 'Ten Regrets' list, and he was stuck.

"_Well…"_ he thought._ "I have always wondered whether you can actually hitch a lift in a kangaroo's pouch…" _He scribbled down "Never went to Australia." He added another one he had just thought of, then looked at the five things he had down so far. _God, this list is depressing,_ he thought, sighing. Then a smile lit up his face and he scribble down two more. Eight own, two to go. He had no idea what to write.

Well, he did. He just didn't want to. Maybe he could just put down two completely random things? No, Dr Jones would know. He was a psychiatrist, for God's sakes.

He sighed again before closing his eyes and writing the dreaded sentences. He opened his eyes. Ugh. On paper they just looked so wrong. He ran his eyes over the scrawled handwriting, pen poised in hand- just in case it was too much.

**Ten Regrets**

**1: Never got married**

**2: Never fell properly, totally, head-over-heels in love**

**3: Never had kids**

**4: Never perfected victory dance**

**5: Never went to Australia**

**6: Never learned to like Scotch**

**7: Never punched Dan for annoying me**

**8: Never punched Keith for being- well, Keith**

**9: Never 'came out of the closet'**

**10: Never told Dr Cox I**

The rest of number ten was scribbled out.

Too much.


	2. Nine Missed Calls

_Dear Elliot,_

_I think I'm sick. Well, I know it. Elliot, I'm really sick, I-_

Crumple. In the bin.

_Dear Carla,_

_I don't know how to tell you this, but I-_

Crumple. Bin.

_Dear Dr Cox,_

_I-_

Violent crumple, stamp into confetti, bin.

JD threw his pen across the room. He had considered facing his fears and just telling them. Face to face would be too hard- he'd cry or babble or shout. Email was too impersonal. So writing letters had been his next idea. But it hadn't worked out.

He was sure now that he didn't want anyone knowing about this. He had to get strict with himself. For a start, no more putting thoughts down on paper where anyone could read them. He had kept a diary from the age of 8, but he was just going to have to break the habit.

He was going to have to start being more careful. Speaking of careful, what time was it? He kept losing track of normal things, like time and meals and just… life. It seemed impossible just a week ago he was watching crappy TV with Turk, oblivious to the time bomb inside him. He shook his head, and looked at the clock. 7 o'clock on a Thursday.

7, Thursday, Thursday, 7. Why were those important numbers? He frowned. Then his heart hit his bare feet. He was going to be late for work. JD sprung up, looking around frantically for his clothes. His clothes for work, to see his patients, to see his friends…

He sank down against the wall, head in hands. Maybe he'd miss work today.

* * *

"Turkleton!

"I didn't do it!" Living with Carla had given him a guilty conscience which was proving to be a problem.

"Where is Dr Dorian? Missing work for even an hour is absolutely unacceptable."

_This is the second day, sir. _Turk bit is tongue shrugged. "I'm not sure, sorry, sir. I'll see if Carla knows." He leant backwards in his chair. "Nurse Espinosa?" Carla's head snapped up.

"Dr Turk?" She winked.

"You seen JD?"

"No. Have you tried asking Cox? Maybe he finally killed him." Quite conveniently, Dr Cox chose that moment to walk by. Turk grabbed his arm. Dr Cox very slowly dropped his head to stare at Turk's hand.

"Gandhi, you'd better have a reason for touching me or I _will_ let my ex wife sacrifice you to her demonic overlords." He hissed. Turk gulped and released him.

"I just want to know if you've seen JD today." Dr Cox rolled his eyes.

"Gandhi, we went over this yesterday. I don't know or care where Sarah May might be. If I'm lucky, she'll figure out her true calling is ballet, leave the hospital for good, don a tutu and perform Swan Lake so beautifully they start making Barbie versions of her. Speaking of Barbie, where is that irritatingly blonde blonde irritation? Ask her, they probably slept together again and Lucy's still chained to the bed." He stormed off, leaving Carla to wonder why he was in a bad mood- not that he was normally over the moon, but this was ridiculous. Elliot popped up from behind the nurses' station, startling Carla out of her thoughts.

"Heya guys! What ya talking about?" she asked, far too cheerily for them.

"JD. Have you seen him?" Carla replied, leaning forwards. Elliot shook her head.

"Nope, sorry. But I think…" She leaned in as if disclosing a huge secret. "I think he's avoiding us or something. Like I'm avoiding Dr Cox because I'm PMS-ing and I don't want to start crying in front of him- for the third time today. But I'm not ignoring JD. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not. Because yesterday I saw him in town, and said 'Hi!', but he ignored me. So I'm not sure whose avoiding who." Carla had long ago learned to search Elliot's comments for anything useful, and let the rest fly out of her head.

"You saw him in town? When?"

"Few days ago." Elliot said, seemingly confused over Carla's question. "But I haven't seen him since then. Anyway, so Dr Cox-"

"Wonder what he was doing there." Carla murmured.

* * *

JD tried to pull himself out of bed. No use. He could still not come up with a reason why he should put both feet on the ground. He sighed, and flopped back down, tugging the duvet up to his chin. This would be his third day off work so far. Or… or would it? He dragged his eyes over to the calendar. It took him a few seconds to figure out that it was his day off.

He smiled, in spite of himself. A burst of good luck. Finally. If he had taken three days off, even Dr Kelso would begin to suspect something. Or maybe not. JD was just 'a large pair of scrubs' to him. Speaking of large pairs of scrubs, he'd better get a new set. His were already hanging off him.

Damned cancer.

* * *

JD meant to go to work the next day. He really did. He had even shaved, and begun to get dressed, when his phone rung. He answered it to a light female voice.

"Hello? Dr Dorian?"

"Yes?"

"This is Dr Clarice Roberts, from St Giles hospital."

"Oh. Hello." He said unenthusiastically.

"Is it possible for you to come in today?"

"Why?"

"To discuss options now that you've had time to think about it. I would like to know about your counselling session with Dr Jones and just generally talk about your treatment plan with you. Do you have any spare time today?" JD didn't. He only had a lunch break and even then he needed to be on call. On call with Dr Cox and Turk and Carla and Elliot and questions and patients and

"Okay." He decided. "Yeah, I do.".

* * *

"This is the fourth day I haven't seen him!" Turk raged. "Four! No phone call, no news, not even a damn text! Nothing!"

"Dude, calm down." Todd said, swinging his legs. "He's probably just sick or something."

"No, he would have told me!" Turk yelled, startling some passing interns. Judging by their scared faces, Dr Cox was still in a very bad mood. Turk had clicked onto what Carla hadn't and realised that he was always in a bad mood when JD was off. Turk assumed it was not having anyone's life to make miserable. That meant Elliot, the interns and the other doctors got JD's dose of rants piled on them. Resulting in angry doctors, petrified interns and a hysterical Elliot.

None of which were very good for the running of the hospital. Patients went untreated, Kelso got nastier and the entire place had a black cloud hanging over it. Just because one guy was gone for a few days.

* * *

"Why am I here again?" JD asked. He had forgotten how truly uncomfortable the table-beds were.

"To discuss treatment."

"Chemo." JD replied immediately.

"Why not surgery?"

"Because I want chemo." Dr Roberts sighed.

"Dr Dorian, I really do think you should consider-"

"Stop asking about operations."

"It is your choice. But I really feel that chemotherapy is not the correct option. Surgery is carried out all the time for this kind of thing."

"You know, I work with surgeons." JD said suddenly, cutting her off. "Jocks, party guys, scalpel jockeys. I have seen too many good people die because of bad surgeons. And I don't want that to happen to me. I don't know your workers."

"Okay, I suppose I can understand that. What about if we transferred you to Sacred Heart and you had the operation there?" JD snorted.

"I am SO not leaving my life in the hands of 'The Todd'. I'd wake up with breasts."

"The Todd? Todd Quinlan? I think I have met him and I think that is definitely understandable. What about another surgeon. Dr Turk?"

"Absolutely not." JD replied.

"Why not?"

"He's my best friend. I thought we'd been over the not-telling-Sacred-Heart thing?"

"You're angry at me." Dr Roberts noted, writing something down on JD's chart.

"Are you writing that down?"

"Possibly" she said, smiling slightly.

"Well don't." He said, annoyed. "Hippocratic oath. You can't talk to other people about me."

"Yeah," she said. "Well, maybe this is just for me." He shook his head at the strangeness of her comment, and continued talking.

"I mean, I don't really want to die. Most of my plans do involve me being alive. Turning into a corpse isn't number one on my list of priorities."

"As long as it's not in the top three, you don't really have any concerns." She said, smiling. "Now, about-" Suddenly a rude knocking came at the door; JD wasn't entirely sure how knocking could sound rude, but it did.

"Doctor Roberts! Your next patient has been waiting for ten minutes!" She looked at the clock at swore.

"Sorry about this, Dr Dorian. I'll call to discuss this later today. Goodbye."

* * *

"Five days? No, that's just not acceptable." This time it was Carla getting annoyed. One hand on hip, eyes narrowed slightly. The pose screamed "I'm-pissed-off-and-if-you-don't-know-why-I'm-gonna-bust-your-ass".

"That's what I've been telling you!" Turk said, exasperated. "JD loves nothing more than to talk about things. He doesn't just suddenly miss work with no explanation. I mean, he's missed 4 days where he should have been at work this week alone. Even if he had quit or was avoiding this place, he would have met up with us on the day he had off."

"Have you tried the apartment?" Carla asked hopefully. But Turk nodded.

"Yeah. No answer."

"Did you shout?"

"Rang the bell, knocked, yelled, sat outside for an hour- everything. He either wasn't in or wasn't answering."

"Damn it!" Carla yelled, bringing her fist down on the counter.

"Woah there, Carla." Dr Cox said, stepping out of the shadows. "It would appear there's a little problem here. And as much as I would love to add to it and watch Gandhi squirm under the pressure, I do mildly respect Carla. And well, I do enjoy pointing out the blatantly obvious. Why not just phone Rebecca?"

"She- he's not picking up." Turk spat.

"Then use the wonders of technology and leave a message."

"What?"

"Leave. A. Message. Dear GOD Turtlehead, I knew you were stupid but this, this is just mad. I mean, and people trust you to stick a knife in their gut and ferret around? Come ON! They might as well just perform their own surgery with a safety pin and some duct tape…" Dr Cox walked off, still ranting at anyone in his way.

"As stupid as Dr Cox was being, he holds a point. Come on Turk, let's go call him."

* * *

JD groaned as he rubbed his head. He had a headache. Nothing to do with the cancer, he was fairly sure, but still painful. He grabbed a packet of painkillers from the cupboard and gratefully swallowed a few. Pouring himself a drink, he settled himself down on the sofa, ready for a nap. It was only then he noticed the flashing red light on his phone.

A message? But he never got messages. He leant over and hit a button.

"You have nine new messages." JD let out a low whistle. Nine? "To listen to your messages, press one. To delete all messages, press 2. To-"

JD cut the automated voice off by pressing down the '1' key. He listened as a beep sounded, then a worried voice filled the room.

"_JD, it's Brown Bear. Where the hell are you? I mean, you weren't at work these last few days. I know you said you went to church ages ago now, but you haven't called since then. Did someone hurt you? Oh my God, are you dead? Was it the Janitor?"_ There was a pause and Turk's voice became muffled. _"Well Carla- baby, it was you that said I should- well of course I'm not stu- well he could have- okay, JD, I gotta go. Bye dude! You call me back!"_

JD was overcome with an urge to phone Turk and reassure him everything was alright. But before he could, the next message began. A frantic, high pitched whine filled the air.

"_JD, it's me. By me, I mean Elliot. You know, Elliot Reid? We work together? We're best friends, and…" _

"I know who you are!" JD sighed.

"_Anyway, I was just wondering where you've been for the last five days. I'm pretty sure you haven't been at the hospital. I mean, I haven't seen you. Anyway, I was just wondering- did someone dump you? Because when this guy, Matt, dumped me when I was 15, I was so depressed I stayed in my room for weeks, crying and eating chocolate. I hope you don't stay in there for weeks….. you'll get fat. Anyway, give me a call or something."_

JD shook his head, smiling slightly. Good old Elliot- always frazzled and distracted. He waited as the next message clicked into life.

"…_and then I was like, why don't we come back to my place? And she was like, sure. But then she elbowed me in the crotch and ran… so what, I grabbed a hunk's before we left! There's enough of me to go around! I don't see anything wrong with wanting to get twice the booty…do you? I didn't think so…. You're a good friend. 'So-not-fair' five! What? Oh, yeah, message, right. Dude, I dunno what's wrong with you, but I do know Turk's seriously bummed. Not even my high fives cheered him up! So, whatever it is, get rid of it and get the hell back to work. Seeya round!"_

Yeh. Well, that was typical of the Todd. At least there was no mention of packages. That was a rare miracle.

"Next!" he yelled, quite getting into the swing of things. On cue, the next message came on.

"_Bambi, where in the name of hell are you? Missing one day was alright, I guess. But this? This is so not right. You just think you can walk out for a couple of days? Well I aint buying it! You have patients that need you!" _There was a pause, and then her tone seemed to soften.

"_Well, anyway, please call back. You know I'm always here for you. Seriously, I don't like the thought of you keeping secrets back from me. We're your friends, Bambi. Remember that."_

As Carla's slightly scary message came to an end, JD tried to remember the last secret he'd kept back from Carla and Turk. It was…. It was… no, he couldn't remember. He'd always told them everything- until now. He was happy when the next message broke his train of thought.

"_Um- hello? Is that Dr Dorian? It's Keith. Elliot told me you didn't reply to her call? So, um…. She told me to like, call you or something? So, here I am. Calling you. Be okay, please. And….. um….. call back or whatever."_

Well that was a generally useless piece of information. JD screwed up his face. Ten seconds of his life….wasted. It was a shame, really. Maybe the next recording would be better.

"_Dr Dorian, this is Ted Buckland. Dr Kelso has been informed of your absence of late, and he wants to know why you aren't here. He said he is prepared to let you go if you're going to take days off whenever you feel like it. He wanted to know if you were dead." _There was a pause, and then the formality broke and in a mournful voice, JD heard _"If you_ are_ dead, you're lucky."_

So Ted was suicidal and kissing Kelso's ass. What else was new? The seventh message began to play.

"_Listen, Scooter, and I'll make this quick. I had a giant bucket of glue, just waiting to be dumped on your head! And did you turn up? No. So now I have to pick dried PVA off my best bucket with a damned screwdriver! Turn up soon or that glue heading for you- it'll be swapped for acid."_

He shuddered slightly at the vaguely threatening message. Seven down, two to go.

"_DJ, there's a seriously pissed of Perry skulking around my house. He's whining and winging and generally annoying the crap outta me. Normally his misery would bring me indescribable joy, but it's getting irritating. Get your ass back to work so he has someone to vent his anger on, would ya?"_

Yeh. Jordan wasn't exactly great at the whole 'get-well-'thing'. It had been nice, hearing that people missed him. Well, some people. Well, Turk and Carla…..

"_Newbie!"_ The sudden voice made his head snap up. _"Well hey there Joan. Sorry to burst your little bubble, but you are, in fact, a doctor. And doctors aren't really allowed to take days off work whenever the hell they want. As far as I know, there are two main reasons women like you miss work. _

_The first is that it's their 'time of the month'. And the latter is that the former hasn't come, so you'd better scuttle down to the pharmacy, buy a test and pray that hunky guy from Tammie's party didn't go beyond second base with you when you were pumped full of appletini." _There was silence_. "Oh, and Lucy? I swear to God if you tell anybody this I will deny it then shove my fist so far down your throat I can pull out sandwiches, but I…  
I kinda miss you"._

The message clicked off, leaving JD to stare open mouthed at the now silent phone.


	3. Eight Dollars

I'm updating really quickly :P Too quickly probably. I have two chapters after this written. Sad, eh? I just want to get them done so I can work on continuing and finishing this.

_Review please! I won't do that horrible thing where people say "MIN 20 REVIEWS BEFORE NEXT CHAPTER", but I WILL say the more reviews, the more writing, hehe…_

_xx_

"Good morning, Doctor Dorian." Ted said, as JD walked past. "Not dead, then?" JD shook his head, and Ted smiled- seemingly sympathetically.

"There's always next time." Ted said reassuringly, patting him on the shoulder. He whistled as he walked off. JD stared after him in shock, before instead switching his attention to the Latina woman rushing towards him at about a hundred miles an hour.

"JD!" Carla yelled happily, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. After a few seconds of almost passing out, he relaxed and hugged Carla back. Which was when she slapped him.

"Ow! What was that for?" He complained, rubbing his cheek.

"For making us worry." She pouted.

"Sorry." He sighed. Turk and Elliot caught sight of him, and strode over. Elliot collapsed into his arms gratefully. Turk just grinned and said "Welcome back, Vanilla Bear."

"Guys!" JD said. "I've only been gone a few days."

"One day is too many." Turk said. Carla and Elliot rolled their eyes, and JD went to hug him. But before he could he spotted a familiar head of red curls.

"Dr Cox!" he yelled, running after him. "Doctor Cox, I'm back!" Perry turned and glared at him.

"I can see that, Scarlett. And now you've wasted ten seconds of my time. And those ten seconds were fairy critical, seeing as my next patient is a son of a board member. If he kicks it any time soon, his mother's going to be wearing my testicles as earrings. Shortly afterwards, I'll be fired, get depressed, kill myself and then my ghost will come back to get revenge on you." He prodded JD in the chest with the last word, before continuing walking.

"What's up with him?" JD asked Carla, confused.

"You breathed?"

"Nah. Normally, yes, he rants. But today it seemed different. I mean, he only called me one girls name- and he didn't even insult my ability as a doctor!" Carla shook her head and sighed.

"I don't know, Bambi. Maybe he's just stressed. Now, you'd better get back to work. Otherwise you'll get lynched by the doctors who covered your patients." She looked down at the charts in her hand. "Wait, no. Make that doctor."

"What?"

"Seems that one Perry Cox took all of your patients for you, on top of his. No wonder he's stressed." She handed the charts to him, and wandered off to find Turk.

* * *

Perry leant against the wall, trying to resist the urge to smash his head against it. What was wrong with this stupid, stupid board member? He couldn't think of anything else, he'd ruled out everything he could have thought of. And then what he didn't think of, and then a few diseases that he wasn't even sure was real. He was contemplating running away and starting a new life somewhere else, when a familiar brunette peered round the door.

"This had better be good, Hannah." He growled.

"It is!" JD beamed. "I've come to help with your patient!" Perry blinked and shook his head, as if to clear it.

"I'm sorry, but how exactly is this _good _news?" JD ignored him- often the best way to deal with Doctor Cox- and snatched the chart out of Perry's hands.

"Let's see… " Perry growled, but JD ignored him. "Male, 60 year old smoker. Urine darker than usual, been losing weight, constipation and high blood pressure….." JD stopped talking and his eyes clouded over.

"What?" Perry asked gruffly.

"I- erm- be right back!" JD blurted. The chart hit the floor as he bolted towards the toilets.

JD sat inside the cubical, trying to keep his breathing steady. He sat on the closed seat, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.

_Okay, don't panic._ The voice of reason in his head soothed him. _There are other diseases that have those symptoms. It doesn't have to be cancer. _He took a deep breath and stood up. He unlatched the door, and shakily hurried back to where Doctor Cox was standing.

"And exactly what was that that, Newbie?"

"Oh, erm- I thought I saw Turk and I haven't hugged him yet today." JD lied. "But I think I might have fi-figured your patient out."

"Really? What is it then, Jennifer?"

"Well, let's see… constipation, high blood pressure, temporary visual problems. I think it all adds up to re-" His voice stopped working for a few seconds.

_Get a hold of yourself._

"It could be renal cell carcinoma." Perry looked blank for a minute, but then his face lit up.

"Of course! I'll go and tell him that I saved the day! Let's run a few tests to check and damn, I am a genius for figuring this one out!" JD went to correct him, but Perry was already striding triumphantly through the patient's door. JD sighed and shook his head, before walking away. It was for the best. If the guy did have this disease, he didn't want to get too attached.

* * *

The diagnosis had been correct, and after a surgical consult the man had decided on having an operation. About a week or so later, Perry sat down, tray hitting the table with a loud thud.

"Dr Cox, why are you eating lunch with us?" Elliot asked.

"Shuddit Barbie." He growled. He looked tired and showed no sign of starting to rant. There was a moment or two of silence, before Carla reached out a hand and placed it gently on his arm.

"What happened?"

"You know my kidney cancer patient?" Dr Cox shovelled a forkful of lunch down. Carla nodded, not seeing JD wince behind her as Dr Cox spoke. "We lost him in surgery."

A chair scraped back and JD leapt to his feet. "I've gotta go, sorry. Gotta… um, go meet someone." He quickly sprinted out of the room. Carla looked back to Dr Cox.

"That was weird." She commented.

"Whatever, maybe. He did that when he figured out what the patient had, as well."

"Have any patients close to him died of cancer or kidney diseases recently?" Dr Cox shook his head.

"Nah. Some old guy died a few weeks ago, but that was heart disease."

"Wonder what's up then." Carla commented, sipping her coffee.

"Won't be anything big, Carla. It never is at Sacred Heart."

* * *

The irony of Dr Cox's last comment was that at that point in time, there was nothing big at Sacred Heart. As soon as JD had got the chance, he had gotten to the bus to the other side of town and gone straight into St Giles.

"Excuse me?" He tried. The woman at reception looked up from her glossy magazine.

"Is it urgent, sir?" she asked sweetly.

"No…. but the doctor and I are close. She'll understand." said JD, running his hands through his hair.

"Close or not, this is a hospital and there are patients that need seeing."

"Look, is she on lunch break?"

"Sir-"

"Just tell me if Dr Roberts is on lunch break. If she is, then I'll see her. If she isn't, I won't bother her." The receptionist was weakening.

"Doctors need breaks too."

"Yeah, we do." He said, pulling at his blue top. "Now, is Dr Roberts on lunch break?"

"Yes." The receptionist said, giving in and reopening her magazine.

"Thank you!" JD said, jogging off to find her. He tried the canteen first, but she wasn't there. The corridors were the same. He'd just about given up when a voice called "JD?"

He turned around to see a blonde woman grinning at him. For a few seconds, he had no idea who she was. Then he clocked her green eyes and slim face, and realised.

"Dr Roberts! I'm so sorry, I didn't realise… you know, with your… hair." He gestured weakly to his own head, feeling awkward.

"No problem. I dyed it red for a while, but I fancied a change. This is my normal hair colour."

"Oh..." he said, unsurely. "It's, um, very nice."

Dr Roberts laughed, and patted the seat next to her. JD sat down.

"Sorry to bother you, Dr Roberts-" he began.

"I'm not working right now. Call me Clarice."

"Okay, um, Clarice." The word felt foreign and awkward on his tongue, but Dr Roberts beamed at it.

"What's up, JD?" The whole story of the cancer patient came flooding out before he could even think, and Dr Roberts listened patiently.

"So the patient died?" JD nodded, his eyes welling up. He quickly blinked the tears away.

"So now you're really against having the surgery." He nodded again. She sighed. "JD…."

"I know what you're going to say." He interrupted. "That the surgery going wrong was a one in million chance. That it probably would never happen to me, and my fears are all pointless and unrealistic. You're going to recommend that I go back to the shrink, and talk about my dreams and look at pictures of inkblots- which, by the way, never look like anything except for actual blots of ink- so that I can get shoved on a hundred pretty little pills to make me calm down."

Dr Roberts blinked. "Actually, I was just going ask if you wanted half of my sandwich. But that's good too."

* * *

"Why isn't he back yet?" Turk said unhappily as their lunch break drew to a close.

"I don't know, baby." Carla looked confused. "I really don't."

* * *

JD, at this point in time, was buying himself a chocolate bar from the hospital gift shop. He wondered whether, as a cancer sufferer, he should be watching his diet. He decided against that no, this wasn't necessary. He handed the man the money, peeling the wrapper away from the bar.

"You ready to go?" Dr Roberts asked.

"Go where?" JD asked curiously, stuffing the change and receipt into his pocket.

"I'm not that sure. Just… walk around, I guess."

"Okay." He said, happily following her.

* * *

"Thank you for coming" Carla said, opening the door and hugging Elliot tight. "I just don't know what to do."

"I'm worried too." Elliot said, hanging her coat up and shaking some of the rain from her hair.

"I'm not. I think you guys are stupid." Turk said from his seat on the sofa. The women ignored him

"Do you think anyone else will turn up?" Carla asked Elliot.

"I don't know. Who did you ask?"

"Well, let's see. You guys….."

"And?"

"Dr Cox…."

Elliot snorted. "Good luck with that."

"Laverne….."

"Probably will come, but only for the gossip."

"The Todd…"

"Oh Carla, you didn't!"

"And Ted and Kelso."

"Ted might come if you're lucky."

"Give him ten minutes." Turk suggested from the sofa.

"Okay" Carla said, still uncertain. Ten minutes later, Ted and Todd had turned up.

"Guess that's it." Carla said sadly.

"You didn't really expect Kelso or Cox to turn up, did you?" Turk snorted.

"Not really… but it would have been nice." Carla stood up, and held up her hand for silence.

"It's like a courtroom in here." Turk began to whisper, before remembering JD wasn't there. He frowned, missing his Vanilla Bear. Then he looked up as Carla began to talk.

"Okay, thanks for coming everyone…."

"I just came in case there was an off chance of an orgy." Todd offered, raising his hand.

"It's really nice of you." Carla said, blanking him. "We need all the help we can on this one. We have to figure out why JD's acting so weird."

* * *

Crappy TV, JD decided, was only bad under certain circumstances. When watching it with your best friend, a box of pizza and a six pack of beer, it became quite enjoyable.

But when you were watching it on your own, shivering under a blanket and trying to concentrate as possibilities and what-ifs and maybes from your own life whirled around you, it was definitely crappy.

"For God's sake!" Turk burst out, sitting upright. "Stop overreacting!"

"Turk, are you blind or just an idiot?" Elliot questioned, hand on hip. _She needs to spend less time with Carla, _Turk thought to himself.

"Elliot's right!" Carla said, and the two women glanced at each other smugly.

"First he misses a lot of work, with no explanation."

"He was probably just ill." Turk sighed.

"Then why didn't he just say so?" Carla snapped at him. Turk had no answer for that, and decided to quit while he was very far behind.

"So, first there was that." Carla continued. "And then he came back with no reason or apology. There was the strange behaviour around that patient, and he got even weirder when he found out about the death. Any ideas?"

JD had given up on television. It had let him down.

He had gone for a walk to try and clear his mind, ignoring the biting cold and the spitting rain. It was getting dark. He was going to give up and turn around when a sight caught his eyes. He wandered over the playground, watching the kids have fun.

Two blonde boys whizzed round and round on the roundabout, going faster and faster all the time as JD watched them.

He turned his attention to the three on the climbing frame: the two brunette girls racing up the ladders to drop down the slides; redheaded boy trying to reach the end of the monkey bars yet falling every time.

And then he changed to watching the last child. The small brunette boy was the only one on the swings, caught up in a world of his own. He pushed himself higher and higher, eyes closed tight, a brilliant smile on his face. JD smiled softly, an echo of the boy's huge grin.

"Did he know the patient well?" Elliot asked.

"I don't think so…."

"He might have been with the man and his family for the days he missed." She pressed on.

"I don't think so…" Carla repeated, shaking her head.

"Maybe he met this girl, and they-" Todd piped up.

"Shut it, Todd." The room chorused.

"Um, I'm not sure, but he could…." Ted began.

"What, Ted?" Elliot asked.

"What was wrong with the patient that died?"

"Renal cell carcinoma." Carla said, straight away. Nurses had to know these things. Ted looked blank.

"Kidney cancer", Carla explained.

"Well, have you considered that, maybe, he could have been diagnosed with kid-" He never got any further than that.

"Don't be stupid, Ted." Turk hissed.

"Yeah." Elliot agreed, sounding outraged. "Just because JD's acting weird, doesn't mean he's that ill."

Carla continued. "Exactly! I mean, we're his best friends. He'd tell us if there was something like that going on."

"Turned perverted there, Nancy?" A voice came as JD watched the children playing. "You know, you can get arrested for that." JD's heart beat faster. He mentally kicked himself. _Pathetic._

"I'm just watching the kids have fun." He answered dully.

"Yeah," Dr Cox said, walking down to where JD was. "But that won't hold up in court."

"Haha, yeah." JD muttered.

"Uh oh, princess. What's wrong with you?" Dr Cox asked. When JD wouldn't look at him he manually grabbed him by the shoulders (as JD struggled not to react to the unusual contact) and swung the man around to face him. Upon seeing his pale face, Dr Cox got angry.

"Hillary, what on earth? You look ready to collapse, and I don't mean that in a swooning-in-my-manly-arms way. I mean it in a stop-starving-yourself-to-death way. When was the last time you ate?"

"I had a chocolate bar at lunch." He mumbled. It wasn't entirely un true, he had eaten half of it after all.

"Alexandra, if you're on a diet to try and fit into the size zero jeans, it won't work. Come on, you're getting coffee."

"But I don't want-" JD stopped himself as a pair of slightly murderous eyes met his. JD sat moodily at a table as Dr Cox persuaded the tiny shop, in the process of closing up, to serve him. Despite everything he couldn't help feeling excited.

_Dr Cox is buying me coffee._

Eventually, the man slammed a tray down onto the table. It held a large coffee and a chocolate muffin.

"Eat, Deloris." Dr Cox said, leaning back in his chair. JD quietly obliged, slurping the coffee down and feeling surprised at how better he felt afterwards. He was still chewing when Dr Cox spoke up again.

"Oh, by the way- you owe me eight dollars."

"Wha?" JD said, his mouth full of muffin.

"Swallow before you speak. Did your mother not teach you any manners at all?" JD swallowed obediently, before repeating his question.

"What?"

"That cost me eight dollars. Money, please."

"So much for a gesture of goodwill." JD murmured under his breath. He picked up the paper cup and wrapper and binned them. He dug around in his pockets and pulled out a few notes.

"That should be enough. I'll see you tomorrow." He got up and walked off rapidly, half hoping to hear Dr Cox call his name. But he didn't, and so he continued on home.

"What a girl." Dr Cox said to no one, leaning forward to pick up the money. He counted it out, happy to see Newbie hadn't ripped him off. In fact, there was an extra note! But then he frowned. He picked it up and frowned again. It wasn't a dollar, it was a receipt. Scanning through it, he saw that it was for one chocolate bar… from St Giles hospital gift shop? Why on earth would he have been there?

* * *

JD sat at home, all the lights in his room turned off. Sobs racked his body as he lay curled up on the bed. He'd got to sleep this way every night since he'd been diagnosed.

"So, what now?" He asked nobody. And when nobody replied, he just started sobbing again.


	4. Seven Things In My Room

**_Haveeee a Countdown! :D Admittedly, a bit of a filler chapter. Also, I'm just going to go ahead and assume people aren't reviewing as um, they've already read it before. But I like reviews, they make me feel special!_**

**_The changes are mostly spelling, grammar, etc, yup. :)_**

'Seven Things In My Room.'

It sounded like an essay title. For a few seconds, JD was 14 again, and stuck with writing 2000 words on "What family means to me". He shook the memory away, and returned to the present world- staring at a sheet of lined paper. A completely empty sheet of lined paper, barring that title.

Dr Jones was definitely a freak, JD decided. First ten regrets, then seven things in his room?

"As a grounding exercise, to try and calm you when you become stressed. And to make you consider what's precious to you- and why." The psychiatrist had said.

How was that going to help? JD didn't know, but out of boredom, he had decided to try and do the list. But everything he chose he had found some deep meaning for and had become terrified of writing anything at all.

Fuck it, he decided. The first seven things he saw were going down on his list, and then he was going to throw it in a drawer and forget about it.

The first thing he saw was his wallet. He'd been out to buy a newspaper, a stupid habit he'd gotten into. He liked checking it for medical updates. All he ever got was a list of food he shouldn't eat to _avoid_ cancer, but was a bit late for that. Plus it changed every week, often contradicting itself. Red wine is bad, it's good, don't eat meat, eat meat… JD had stopped trusting newspapers a while ago.

There wasn't much money left in the wallet. There would stop being money altogether if he didn't start working. That scared him a little. Suddenly his mind was running away with it.

When… no, _if _he became to unwell to work, what would happen? Dan could hardly support him. Turk, Carla, Elliot… no, he didn't want to see, or think about his friends at the moment. They'd be worrying about it. Stupid cancer, making them worry, stupid wallet making _him _worry. All the same, he added it to his list.

**1. Wallet (money troubles)**

He headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water, pausing at the cupboard. He opened it up, picked up a packet of crisps. Water forgotten, he walked back to his room.

"I _will_ eat these." He said forcefully to himself on the way. "I _will."_ But it didn't work. He opened them, took a single crisp and tried to eat it. It tasted like cardboard in his mouth. He couldn't eat anymore. Groaning, he threw the packet across the room. Then, thinking, he wrote that down.

**2) Uneaten crisps (not hungry anymore)**

JD sighed, and went to use the toilet.

_No, inner monologue. _He said to himself. _I am not just putting it off. _JD spent a long time in his bathroom, finding various things to do. He checked the ingredients in all his shampoos (7 different bottles and a lot more palm oil than he was happy with). He alphabetized his medical cabinet. He even weighed himself, surprised but unhappy that he had lost a fair amount. He thought of the uneaten crisps.

Heading back to the bedroom, he froze, staring at the pot of hair gel on his bedside table. Something struck him that hadn't before, even when he was picking up shampoos. He wrote it down before he could talk himself out of it, tell himself it wouldn't happen.  
**  
3) Hair gel (hair loss)**

Back to the table, writing down things on automatic.

**4) Holiday brochure**

Life, he supposed. How many holidays would he have? Nodding to himself, he scribbled** (life) **after it. 4 down, 3 to go.

He supposed he would have to put the scrubs in the corner down, wouldn't he? He wasn't even sure why he had them. Kelso would freak. But all the same they were there, and so he added them to the list.

**5) Scrubs (work)**

Trying desperately to think of the final two, he was suddenly shocked into life by the opening notes of the Gilmore Girls theme tune. He picked his vibrating mobile phone up and flipped it open. But as he did, it stopped ringing.

_**One missed call  
Unknown number**_

"Helpful" he scowled to himself. Staring at the phone, he had another brainwave.

**6) Mobile phone (friends)**

He held the phone in his hand for a moment, looking at it until his screensaver kicked in.

It was a picture of the hospital from last year, one of the group pictures Bob Kelso (well, Bob Kelso forced by Carla) had insisted on. The older doctors clumped together at the back, reminding JD of the cool kids who would sit at the back of the bus, laughing and shouting.

The interns formed a scared mess at the front. Somewhere in the middle stood JD, Turk, Carla and Elliot, smiling and close together. Next to JD stood Dr Cox, who was desperately trying to look like he wasn't with them. Groaning inwardly, JD forced himself to write the last point, being as vague as he could.

**7) Photograph (Love)**

The pencil had _just _left the paper when he heard a knock at the door. He froze, and waited, trying not to even breathe. There was a pause, and then the knock came again.

_Do I want to answer it? _He wondered. _Who is it? Turk? Elliot? _

"Who's there?" He called, mouth dry. No answer came.

"Hello?" He called again. Still nothing. He stumbled towards the door, tugged it open. He looked left, then right.

"What the hell?" He yelled angrily. Nobody was there. He flicked his head around again, but there was definitely no one. He slammed the door shut and went back inside.

* * *

Just out of sight, around the corner, sat Perry Cox. He leaned against the wall, breathing heavily from running so fast.

"What was I thinking?" He hissed to himself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." He banged his head against the wall, freezing for a second as he realised it might make someone come out. But when no one arrived he stood up, more than ready to leave. He cast one glance back to JD's door.

"No." He said to himself, as he walked away. "No." Still murmuring that word, he headed back to his apartment, where he intended to drink until receipts, absences and suspicions left his mind for good.


	5. Six Rumours

Work became something of an escape for JD. In the hospital, you saved lives and did little else. Even things like pulling pranks with Turk and avoiding high fiving Todd became a simple routine.

After a while he was able to shut his mind down and let his body go through the actions of the goofy best friend, the kind doctor, the hopeless romantic. He smiled at the right times, and remembered to hold his head up when he walked. He thought to himself over and over again that he didn't want attention, what kind of sick person attention seeked about cancer, he had to be horrible. It didn't stop him wishing people would notice. But they never did.

Well, not much.

There were still rumours, of course. There would always be rumours. Fire could be falling from the skies and Laverne would still be whispering "Did you hear about...?"

In a strange way he enjoyed them. The best was definitely "What was on the slip of paper Dr Dorian gave Dr Cox?" JD had realised the receipt was missing soon after he had left the park. He had decided that, if questioned, he would say he was visiting a sick friend. But no one had asked (big surprise), so he just lay back and let the chit chat wash over him.

No one had guessed it yet. His personal favourite was still that it was a receipt for a leather belt, 2 packs of condoms, a tube of lubricant and cherry red lipstick. He had been a little confused about that one. But then again, the Todd had made it up, so it wasn't _that_ shocking.

The one he tried to avoid was "What's wrong with Dr Dorian?" He was always afraid somebody would get too close to guessing the truth.

There were roughly six different strains he had heard. The first was that he had been dumped.

Laverne and The Todd were very sure of this. Dr Cox did not agree, as he claimed JD would have had to have found a girlfriend first. Nobody knew what he really thought, though, as he refused to talk to anyone- claiming if he wanted petty schoolgirl dramas, he would just watch Hollyoaks.

Turk and Carla fully believed JD was ill. Not cancer-ill, but something-ill. Turk said to Elliot (and to anybody else that would listen) that JD would have told him if it was something bad. JD wasn't sure if he was trying to persuade everybody else or himself.

Then there was the "he's depressed" rumour. JD despised this particular one, as he could no longer pick up a razor without fifteen people suddenly finding something urgent to talk to him about. He had been asked by Ted on several occasions whether the blood on his scrubs was really not his. The first few times he waved it away, but by the seventh time it was _really _creepy.

Plus, the idea that he was _trying _to die made JD laugh (it was laugh or cry).

There was always the "lazy bastard" idea. He was skipping work, seeming tired. A lot of interns thought this, and would hiss things about him when he was gone. They usually only stopped when he came back, or when Turk threw something at them.

That he was switching hospitals was a fairly common one. It would explain missing work, the strange behaviour. The few people that had heard him mention St Giles assumed he had been offered a higher paying job. Elliot believed this. So did Dr Kelso, who instructed Ted to watch JD very closely…

The last one was that he had found a girlfriend, and was "too in love to concentrate". The idea of having a girlfriend made JD laugh, but made him grateful that his mask hadn't faltered.

It irritated him though, that the hospital was separating much like it had in the Iraq argument. He was getting fed up of walking into rooms, and everyone falling silent.

* * *

_Fuck._

"Why is there a line for the guys'bathroom?" Dr Cox snarled.

_You'd think Bobbo was running a zoo, how well he manages this dump. Of course, if he was managing a zoo, he'd be shut down for animal cruelty and putting tarmac in the food._

"What the hell are you looking at?" He hissed at a passing intern, who had made the grave mistake of glancing at the angry doctor's face.

_Damn interns. They never give me a second's rest. Honestly, I swear half of them cry and run back to mommy and daddy whenever something goes wrong. Thinking they have it so bad… when I was a kid, I ran in the opposite direction._

Dr Cox was not in a good mood, as JD had guessed.

_Fuck! Newbie! Um, uh, oh- what do I say? I was outside your door last week, and- no, what the fuck am I thinking of? You gave me a receipt for a hospital, and- no, he probably doesn't even remember that. At least smile at the kid. Wait, no! Don't let him know something's off. Scowl at him. Actually- wait. Why the hell am I getting so worked up about Susan's personal life? Maybe…_

_

* * *

_

JD walked past Dr Cox. He was still leaning against the wall, not seeming to have noticed that the queue for the bathroom had gone already.

"Susan" he nodded at JD, and JD continued on his way.

_You think he'd think more about what to say to me. Does he even care at all?_

_

* * *

_

JD slid his tray down beside Turk. It contained a burger, fries and a can of drink. Under Carla's gaze, he swallowed half of the burger.

"Dude, can I have the rest of that?" Turk asked.

"No." Carla slapped Turk's hand away before JD could comment. "My Bambi needs his protein."

"Carla, he is 30 years old. He isn't 'Bambi' anymore."

"Says the man who still complains if I don't cut the crusts of his sandwiches." JD sniggered at this.

"I don't like tasting burnt bread with my cheese." Turk scowled.

Glad to be forgotten, JD discretely slipped his burger to Turk under the table. He looked up again to see Dr Cox approaching.

"Gandhi, Carla, Gladys." He greeted them in turn as he passed. When he said the last name, he locked onto JD's eyes for a second. It was only a second, but it was enough to make JD's body jolt a little.

With Turk and Carla still arguing, JD stared down at his fries, wondering if they would disappear if he stared hard enough. It was then he noticed the piece of folded paper on his lap.

"Did either of you…" Turk and Carla looked up, and JD could tell they hadn't put it there. "Oh, never mind."

Turk and Carla turned back to each other, too caught up in their talk to question their friend.

JD ran his fingers over the smooth paper, trying to open it silently. He didn't know why he didn't want anyone else to see it. He just didn't. After a minute or so, a piece of hastily torn off lined paper lay smoothed out on his knees.

**On call room. Now.**

_So descriptive. _He thought moodily. _Do not think of implications involved in the words 'On call room'._

At first he had no intentions of going, before realising it was a good way to get out of eating the rest of his meal. It wasn't that he wanted to lose weight, or he wanted to skip the meal. If he could get an injection of Hunger or Appetite, he would. He just wasn't hungry. Maybe it was the disease, maybe it was stress. Maybe it was both.

"Ihavetogonow" he gabbled, scraping his chair back. Carla looked up, concerned.

"Everything okay Bambi?" She asked meaningfully.

_If she thinks I'm about to spill everything to her in the middle of a crowded cafeteria, she's wrong._

"Fine, thanks Carla." He said, leaving the note on his chair. "I just got paged, that's all." She raised an eyebrow.

"Someone paged you?" Turk said. "I didn't hear any noise."

"I know. It's broken."

"Then how do you know you're needed?" Carla demanded. She was not making this easy.

"A nurse told me." He said desperately.

"What? When?"

"Just now, when you two weren't paying attention to anyone else."

_Oh yes, I am master of the guilt trip._

"Fine." Carla said, a little sulkily. "Go."

JD didn't need to be told twice, and ran towards the on call room as fast as he could.

When JD got in, it was pitch black. He stood there uneasily for a few seconds.

_Someone's asleep, or the Janitor's here to knock me out._

Tension grew in JD, until he eventually whispered "Sorry!" and switched the lights on. Nobody was asleep. The room was empty except for Dr Cox who was sat on a bad, completely still.

"Er… hi?" JD said, when Dr Cox said nothing. He didn't get a reply either, so he continued. "So… I got a note, and-"

"What do I have to do to make you normal again?" JD blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"Well I know you were never exactly normal, Pauline- or really anything near. But what do I have to do to get you to be the irritating pest that is you again?" JD took a few steps closer. Dr Cox's face didn't change.

"I don't under-"

"You might think you've fooled everyone, Jeanine. But not me. I'm not an idiot, you know. I'm like House, but more attractive."

_You don't need to tell me._

"There's nothing-"

Dr Cox pushed himself up and started circling JD. JD let his words die- he wasn't really sure what he was going to say anyway.

"Don't. Just don't. Katherine, I know you have everybody else fooled with this "I'm okay, really!" impression you're doing, but not me. I've said before and I will repeat that I have no interest in 'oh-my-god-I-broke-my-nail, my boyfriend made out with my sister' stuff. So I don't know what's wrong with you, and I don't want to, but what do I have to do to make it stop?"

"You don't care about me." JD rasped. "You don't. So why are you pretending?"

"Because the hospital's one good doctor down, Gandhi's one good friend down and I'm one good ex-intern down." JD didn't latch onto the praise, didn't start gushing.

"I don't care."

"'I don't care' won't get you far in life, Anastasia."

"Why not? It got you far enough."

"This isn't about me."

"No, it isn't." JD turned to the door, but Dr Cox was faster, blocking it with his body.

"Nuh uh uh. Bad Newbie. No leaving." JD was getting frustrated.

"Don't talk to me like a child."

"Then don't act like one", the predictable reply came.

"You want to know what you can do for me?" JD shot out. "You can leave me alone. You can stop buying me things, and talking to me, and leaving me little notes- which, by the way, are so damn school girly I'm surprised you haven't choked to death on your hypocrisy by now."

_Bad idea, this is a very, very bad idea. _

But JD couldn't stop his mouth from saying what his brain was screaming. "You just don't get it, do you? You try to help me, but you never can! You never did! You always could have, but you took the easy way out every time. And now you just walk in here, and expect that you can suddenly make me okay? No chance. Now move."

_I'm going to miss having a straight nose._

"Make me."

"Fucking move, Perry." JD fully expected that the first-name use combined with the demand would get him punched in the face, but Dr Cox didn't rise to the bait. Maybe he was too concerned. More likely he was enjoying someone fighting back for a change.

"Fine." He stalked towards JD, pinning the slim man against the wall.

"There. I moved. Oh, and nasty rant, Daisy. You shouldn't be so mean to me." Dr Cox lisped.

"Fuck you." JD spat. He glared angrily into Dr Cox's eyes. Dr Cox stared right back.

_Don't break his gaze. Don't look away first._

It was too hard. Dr Cox's ice blue eyes pierced JD's.

_This is far too much like staring at a crocodile._

Eventually JD dropped his eyes. He hadn't realized this manoeuvre would bring his gaze to the older man's lips. Which did not look good.

_Okay, I wonder if he'll call me a girl or a big fat queer._

No words came. Instead, Dr Cox's eyes dropped too.

_Shit._

JD found himself very, very slowly moving his head forwards. Perry didn't back away.

_Any second now he is going to head-butt me._

Perry's lips parted very slightly. JD swallowed nervously before doing the same, and moving even closer.

_Or not... oh shit, oh shit, ohshitohshitohshit…_

Without any warning, Dr Cox stepped back.

"Nice try, Wilma." It was supposed to be sarcastic, but to JD's ears it just sounded shaky. JD didn't say a word. A moment of silence passed.

"You know what?" Dr Cox's voice suddenly rang out again. JD's eyes snapped up.

"Forget it." Dr Cox left as quickly as he could, almost running for the door. "Just forget it."

JD sunk down onto a bed.

_Well I guess you got your wish. _

He climbed in, suddenly exhausted.

_He's going to leave you alone from now on._

JD pulled the covers over his head and blocked out the world.


	6. Five Things About You

_**I didn't like this chapter, it was too over the top and just… meh. I hope the rewrite is better. :D**_

In the following weeks, Dr Cox did exactly what he had said he would do. At first, if JD entered a room he left. But after about a week he simply stayed, finished whatever he was doing and completely ignored the man. This was harder to deal with. It was no longer that Dr Cox was angry at him or upset with him. He just didn't even notice JD was there. Didn't care.

Turk, Carla and Elliot picked up on it, but JD didn't tell them anything. Just shrugged it away.

It was raining when JD arrived at the hospital. It seemed fitting somehow.

_Pathetic fallacy, _his brain told him helpfully. Because remembering fourth year English was a lot easier than thinking about… well, life.

His first patient of the day was a young woman named Karen Diment. As he walked into the room, he noticed she had a shaved head.

_I start chemo next week._

"What can I do for you, Miss Diment?" He asked as he walked in.

"I think I'm anaemic" she answered. "I've had chemotherapy recently, and now I'm so tired I can hardly stand up. I went jogging yesterday, but I only got to the end of my road before I almost fainted. I could hardly breathe, and I felt so weak."

"Okay." He nodded. "We'll see if we can do anything about that for you."

"Thank you." She smiled.

He looked closer at her chart.

_32 years old, smoker, lung cancer. _

"I'll get back to you." He left the room, walking quickly so he didn't have to dwell on just how many cancer patients were in this hospital. He kept his eyes on his feet as he walked.

Next thing he knew, he was flat on his back. He peered up to see what had happened, and saw Dr Cox striding away.

"Watch where you're going, Bambi." Carla advised as she helped him up. "Of all the people to bump into. I don't know why he's been so angry lately."

"Other than the fact that he's Dr Cox?" JD hissed, as he brushed dirt from his back.

"But he-" Carla's words were interrupted by a bang as the door slammed open. Bob Kelso strode through as if he expected everybody to start applauding, Ted following like a shadow.

"I don't want to spend longer than necessary talking, so I shall make myself clear right now." He said, seemingly addressing the wall. No eye contact for Dr Kelso.

"Morale has been down lately, and it shows. Happy doctors are good doctors, and good doctors don't squabble every 5 seconds! Dammit people! Do you even know anything about each other?"

There were defiant murmurs, which Dr Kelso heard. He spun, picked on a random intern.

"You! Tell me something about…" He pointed to a doctor JD didn't know. "Him."

The girl blinked. "Umm…" She turned to her friend, an equally young blonde who wore too much makeup.

"I have no idea, Trish" She hissed.

"I know he screwed one of the nurses in a supply closet." The blonde said, lazily picking at her nail varnish.

"I did not!" The panicky doctor yelled.

"Yes, you did. I opened the door on you halfway through."

Before the argument could get any further, Dr Kelso interrupted.

"That is quite enough. See! Young…"

"Sammie." The first girl supplied.

"Young Shelly here doesn't know the first thing about that doctor! And all her tart of a friend knows-"

"Sir! Trish protested.

"- is gossip and rumours."

"Um, sir?" JD asked nervously. Dr Kelso spun around.

"What is it?" When JD didn't answer, he sighed. "Come on, I'm busy."

"Um, where are you actually going with all of this?"

"I'd get there if you'd all stop talking long enough for me to get a sentence out! Now, I have devised an ingenious, original and technologically advanced method that will select, for each of you, a person." He leaned over his shoulder. "Ted, the hat."

Ted held out a hat filled with folded pieces of paper.

"You will take a name. You will then, on a separate piece of paper, write 5 facts about yourself that the other person does not yet know and post them through the 'Complaints' box. I will hand these out later this week. Understood?"

The intern from earlier- Sammie- raised her hand.

"Excellent! No questions! Ted, take the hat around would you? I'm too busy- got an appointment with a Japanese masseuse…"

Ted thrust the hat out, and people crowded around to get a name. There was lots of shoving, barging, and murmurs of "Oh god, not _her!_", but soon there was only one slip left, and as the crowds cleared JD picked it up.

_Bah. Figures._

"Who'd you get, Bambi?" Carla asked, trying to see the paper.

"Yeah, who?" Turk added.

"I'm screwed", JD laughed suddenly.

"Wait, what?" Turk said, confused.

"I'm screwed." He repeated.

"Why?" Carla asked curiously. "Come on, it can't be that bad."

"Dr Cox."

"… you're screwed."

* * *

"So now I'm going to have to write 5 things about myself to the biggest jackass in Sacred Heart." He finished, turning towards Dr Roberts. He had come to St Giles to find her on her lunch break, and now they were sat out front.

"I'm fairly sure you should be telling the psychiatrist this instead." She said lightly.

"Oh, he'd love it. Numbered lists! Yey!" Dr Roberts laughed.

"What are you so afraid of?" She asked.

"Everything I write will be deemed 'girly'." He said, rolling his eyes. "He will most likely read the entire list out loud. And it will make this whole thing worse."

"What whole thing?" She asked.

_Ahh, crap! I forgot she doesn't know._

"Oh, nothing." He lied. "Anyway, I'd better get back. My lunch break's almost over."

"Can I come with you?" She said suddenly. "I want to meet all these friends you talk about so much."

"Well…" He hesitated. "You probably shouldn't."

"Please?"

"No." He found himself saying.

_Brain! Attractive girl wanting to come with me! Say YES!_

"Well, maybe I could come visit you some other time?"

_Other side of brain, isn't that, um, illegal?_

"I don't think so… sorry."

_Who cares!_

Dr Roberts looked deflated, but suddenly smiled again.

"That's okay. See you soon, JD." She moved like she was going to hug him, but seemingly changed her mind and walked away instead.

* * *

Later that night, JD found himself still at Sacred Heart. He was alone, and he was angry at himself.

"Why the hell did I do that?" He hissed at himself. "She practically throws herself at me and I say no." He started pacing backwards and forwards.

"I don't like Elliot. I don't have a girlfriend. Why the _hell_ would I say no?" Suddenly he caught sight of himself in a nearby window.

_You know why._

JD snarled and banged the window with his fist. The patient inside looked terrified.

_Enough!_

He turned, ran back towards the nursing station. Carla, who was just leaving, looked concerned.

"Bambi, are you-?"

"No, Carla. No, I'm not. And I haven't been for a long time" He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and rushed off again, towards Kelso's office.

_**Five Things about Me**_

_**By Dr. John Dorian**_

_**For Dr. Perry Cox**_

Leant against the wall, he scribbled the words fast; talking to himself as he did.

"I've had it." He snarled as he wrote. "I'm had it with all these secrets. It's gone too far. Too fucking far."

A passing nurse looked terrified, and scuttled by, her eyes firmly on the ground.

_**1. I've kissed a man before. We were sober. It was fun.**_

He stopped for a minute.

_Do I really want to do this?_

He thought about Dr Roberts and Dr Cox. He thought about the chemotherapy, and the not knowing, and the never ending panic that someone would find out.

He thought about the depression and the anger and the never ending anxiety. He thought so much that his writing became looped and lopsided, nearly falling off the paper.

_Yes. I do._

_**2. I don't mind the girl's names. I love them, actually.**_

_**3. In case you hadn't guessed, I'm gay.**_

"No turning back now." He breathed, still writing.

_**4. I think I'm in love with you.**_

_Last one..._

_**5. I start chemotherapy for my kidney cancer tomorrow.**_

JD hesitated only for a second before pushing the paper into the box.


	7. Four Days

**I don't really what's happening. (THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID :P)  
This is getting more medical. If you know for a fact I've got something wrong, please tell me- I'm going on what Google told me, which is rarely a good idea. I promise I'll try and update more regularly now. I'm stressing the 'try' there. Oh, and this is a big chapter- sorry! Anyway, as always, hope you enjoy!**

**One**

Dr Cox was not easily startled. And when he _was_ shocked by something, the adrenaline would turn into anger. He would drive away, drink his own weight in scotch and punch a stranger in a bar. That was the way it had always had been, and he had assumed that was the way it would always be.

But finding JD curled up next to a pool table at midnight definitely counted as a shock. Nobody else in the dark, dingy bar seemed bothered. He nudged the comatose-looking man with his foot. JD stirred, and then sat up.

"What time is it?" He yawned.

"It's midnight, princess." He said gruffly. "Time to wake up before that scooter of yours turns back into a pumpkin."

"Dr Cox? Thought you weren't talkin' to me." JD mumbled, trying to pick himself up. Dr Cox ignored him.

"For God's sake, how much did you drink?"

"I dunno. But I had some green stuff and some fizzy stuff and some pink stuff. Ooh, and _lots_ of gold stuff. Then some-"

"Woahhh. Hold on there, Kate." Dr Cox reached out and steadied JD as he tripped over on thin air.

"I'm okay!" JD insisted. "Just gotta get away." He pushed himself up, clinging onto the pool table.

"Get away from what?" Dr Cox frowned.

"You." JD, one hand against the wall, dragged his feet along the floor.

"Me?" Dr Cox knew he should leave it, but couldn't help himself from wrapping an arm around JD's shoulders to keep him upright.

"Yesh" JD slurred.

"Why?"

"Left you a note. Can't be 'round when you see it." JD's foot hit an uneven floorboard, and Dr Cox gripped him as he stumbled.

"A note? Where?"

"The 5 things thing. Hehe! Things thing. Thassfunny."

"You got me for Bobbo's 5 things… well, thing?" He said, for lack of a better word.

"Yesh, I did." JD suddenly ran the hand not on the wall down Dr Cox's arm, stroking his wrists.

"Um, Audrey? I don't want to alarm you but I _am _about to break your face."

"Sorry." JD giggled. "I get handsy."

"How are you getting home, anyway?"

"Scooter." Dr Cox looked at him.

"You are not driving."

"I can!"

"No. No, you cannot and no you are not."

"How else can I go home?" JD looked confused.

"I'll give you a lift." JD stared in awe.

"In the Porsche?" Dr Cox winced.

"If I have to, then yes. In the Porsche."

"Okay." JD submitted. "But then I have to get away from you, so you have to go home, okay? We can act like its hide and seek or summink. Only don't go seeking, cause then you'll find me and be mad and everything will suck even more than it does now."

"Of course." Dr Cox had taken to just agreeing with whatever the man said, whilst steering him towards the car. He opened the passenger door and pushed JD in.

"This car feels nice." JD commented randomly as Perry slid in and closed his door.

"Yes. It does. So if you do anything to damage it, I may have to kill you." JD nodded. Dr Cox looked at him and laughed.

"God, you are going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. I cannot wait to see you trying to work."

"Won't be working." JD mumbled, slumping against the car window.

"Won't you?" Dr Cox glanced over as he pulled out of the car park.

"No, I gotta go to another hospital tomorrow."

"Do you? Why?" A thought occurred to Dr Cox. "You're moving hospitals?" JD shook his head.

"No, Kee-mo." He sounded out.

"Oh hell, can't I ever catch a break? I was looking forward to actually being able to be alone at work from now on. And Clarice, I'm gonna need you to speak English."

"Kee-mo!" JD said angrily. "Ya-know, keemo."

"Kee-" Dr Cox stared blankly at the road in front of him. "Chemotherapy?" JD nodded enthusiastically.

"Thasswhat I said!"

"Chemotherapy? What would you need chemotherapy for?" When Dr Cox got no answer, he turned to face JD and saw the man curled up in his seat, fast asleep.

**Two**

For a second, a split moment, everything was okay. Then a wall of pain and nausea and confusion slammed full force into JD. He blinked, and groaned, clutching for his pillow. A different scent hit him as he pushed his head against the fabric. It was a nice smell, and JD took a minute to appreciate it. It took a minute for it to occur to him that that was not his pillow, and that this was not his bed.

He forced his eyes to open properly, and realised he had _no idea whose room this was. _He slowly kicked the duvet off his body, and saw he was wearing only his underwear. Nearly naked, in a complete stranger's apartment, JD smiled.

_Well somebody scored._He winced. His thoughts were too loud.

_It's probably a good thing I don't have my gong._

"You have an hour before you need to be at the hospital." A gruff voice said. Eh? Gruff? Noooo, this was not gruff time. This was busty-blonde-bringing-breakfast time, surely?

"Whaaaaaaa?" JD said eloquently. Then a thought struck him.

_Shit, this is her boyfriend. He's going to kill me. I am going to need to be in a hospital in an hour because he is going to beat the shit out of me for an hour._

"Didn't know she was taken!" JD said, each word sounding like a shout to him. He had no idea if he had, in fact, shouted. Or known if said girl was taken. He didn't remember the girl.

"I said, an hour for you to get over your hangover and get your girly ass out of my bed, Hazel."

…. _Hazel? Girly? My bed? Oh- _Oh. _Shit._

"Dr Cox?" JD looked up, wincing at the light.

"The one and only. Now clothes on, ass out."

_Shit, shit, shitttt._

"Why am I here?" JD asked desperately.

"You got your ass trashed in a bar somewhere and I dragged you out."

"Why didn't you take me back to my apartment?" Dr Cox laughed.

"What, and let you kill yourself? As tempting as it sounds compared to having to discover the unnerving fact that you have pink underwear-"

JD pulled the duvet back up to his chest.

"Wow, manly. I figured Carla would most likely attack me if I just let you get ass raped by a guy called Scissor. And I can do without my skin being the new nail decoration for a feisty Latina woman."

JD smiled wanly. Dr Cox left, and JD got to getting dressed as quickly as he could.

Dr Cox wasn't sure if he had made a mistake in not believing Newbie's claim about chemotherapy. Yes, the man had been completely out of it, but maybe there was a grain of truth in his slurrder words? But aversion was his favourite way to deal with problems- drinking them away or just denying their existence. Dr Cox swore out loud, gripping the wheel of the Porsche.

_He probably meant that one of his patients gets chemo tomorrow. _A voice in the back of his mind reassured him.

_Then why would he say he was leaving?_

_How the hell should I know? _Arguing with himself was nothing more than a waste of time, and he decided he'd worry only when JD didn't show up. _If _JD didn't show up.

_Why do you even care? _He wondered.

He didn't even _like _the overly feminine, clingy, childish idiot.

Not one bit. Not one tiny, winy, stinking bit.

Not one massive, lying, self-denying bit.

* * *

"This is gonna make you feel pretty rough for a while." Dr Roberts chuckled. JD glared.

"Tell me something I don't know." Seeing a flash of hurt on her face, he hurriedly changed his track.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I've just seen how chemotherapy like this affects patients at Sacred Heart, and-"

"Oh, yes. How is life at Sacred Heart?" JD blinked a little at the sudden change of topic.

"I wouldn't know." He confessed to her.

"Oh, and why not?" She frowned.

"I don't work there anymore."

"Really?"

"Yup. Handed everything in, talked to Kelso. Didn't tell him why I was leaving, just that I was."

"What are you going to do for money?" She asked, concerned.

"I don't know. I've got some saved up, and there's my parents... I think I'll be okay for a little while."

"Couldn't you ask your friends?" JD looked to the floor guiltily. "Wait a minute- you didn't tell your _friends?"_

"I don't want to!" He snapped. "For years I was pretty much a needy child that whined about everything. I need to show them I can stand by myself!"

"JD," Dr Roberts said gently, leaning in. "This isn't a breakup. This is cancer." JD wondered why he was still flinching at that word.

"I don't care." JD sighed. He ran his hands through his hair. "I'll make something up, or something like that. To be honest, I don't want to think about it right now."

**Three**

JD was at home the next day, watching yet another sitcom piled with tinned laughter, when there was a hard knock at the door.

His first thought was of Carla, or Elliot. He'd unplugged his phone after the tenth call yesterday. He'd ended up switching off his mobile to. And at last check, he had 19 new email messages that he wasn't going to bother reading. He opened the door a little, and peered out.

But instead of the blonde smooth head of Elliot, or the dark curly hair of Carla, he saw someone completely different. He grimaced, and wondered if he could hide. Could he hide?

"There you are, you-"

He slammed the door shut before Dr Cox could open his mouth, and so missed most of the curse words. But he got the gist of it

Okay, that would be a no for the 'hiding'.

"How did you even get up here? Go awayyyy." JD whined, all fake politeness gone.

"Let me in." Dr Cox said, loudly and clearly.

"No."

"Let me in _now._" JD was silent, but didn't move.

"Let me in or I'll break my way in." Dr Cox threatened.

"And I'll have you arrested for it."

"You could do, but we both know you won't."

There was another moment of silence, and then a sigh and a click as JD opened his door.

"You look awful." Dr Cox greeted JD.

"Thanks."

"I mean it." JD knew he looked bad. He was pale, with bags under his eyes from not having slept. He was still wearing pyjamas and he hadn't bothered styling his hair.

"And so, princess, how come I didn't see you in Sacred Heart this morning? Take a day off for the hangover?" Dr Cox wandered in, and jumped onto JD's couch.

"Make yourself at home then." JD muttered under his breath. He then spoke normally. "No, it wasn't because I have a hangover."

"Well then, what's-"

"Have you read that 5 things about you note?" He interrupted.

"What? Why?"

"Have you?" JD stared at Dr Cox, who shook his head.

"No, I haven't."

"Go and read it. But then don't come back after."

"Look, I'm getting re-e-eally pissed off with your constant-"

"Just do it." JD was irritable already, and Dr Cox's impatience wasn't helping. "Now, can you please just _go?_"

Dr Cox silently got up, and walked towards the door. Just before JD could close the door, Dr Cox spoke again.

"Oh, and Mary Clarence." He said, sarkily. "Exactly what do I tell Bobbo as to why you're not at work?"

"I don't need you to tell him. I've already told him. I quit." JD closed and double locked the door, sliding down to the ground as he ignored the yells of his name and the bangs on the wood.

**Four**

It was the end of the next day, and JD decided that Dr Cox had given up. Had he read the note and spread the gossip around the whole hospital? Painted JD as the pathetic little boy? As the manipulative asshole? Whatever, JD decided. He didn't care anymore. He didn't think he had the energy to care. The chemotherapy was wiping everything out of him.

It wasn't like nobody had tried to get in contact with him. He'd unplugged his phone again. The same people kept calling- "Carla, Elliot, Turk, Elliot, Turk, Carla, Elliot, Turk…" On one occasion, Carla and Elliot had actually come round. They had given after half an hour of yelling his name, and begging for him to let them in.

He knew he was treating his friends like shit, and he knew it wouldn't work forever. But he didn't care- he wanted to be alone. He needed it.

He was sitting on the sofa- again- watching some shitty sitcom rerun- again- when his door opened.

JD blinked. Then realised. He'd gone out to buy something, forgotten to lock his door on his return. Mentally hitting himself for being such an idiot, he looked towards the door, waiting for Carla to come in and berate him.

By now, he really should've learnt to expect the unexpected. But it still shocked the hell out of him when it was_ Dr Cox _closing the door neatly behind him, _Dr Cox _walking towards him…

… and Dr Cox kissing him.

_Wait, what?_

Dr Cox- no, he supposed it was Perry now, if he was kissing the guy- had wrapped his arms around JD's shoulders and JD just kind of stood there. JD was very happy to just stay there kissing Perry, and he was not impressed when the other man pulled away, no doubt to say something romantic and life changing.

"Oh come on, Brittney, you're such a fucking drama queen."

Well, some things never change.


	8. Three Months

_Oh God this is long. Sorry!_

_I think it's an awful chapter, but I needed to get it written so I could move on. ONE DAY I WILL MASTER LINE BREAKS._

_Side note: Blue October are a brilliant band._

**Blue October**

_- Cancer? Fucking cancer, Newbie?_

JD showered slowly, letting the water pour over his body.

_- Well, I hardly asked for it!_

He reached for a shampoo at random- ooh, blueberry!- and squirted it onto his hand.

_- There's an operation for that, right? When's your operation?_

He reached up to massage it into his hair, wondering if he could massage the memories out too.

_- I don't want one. _

_- Why the hell not?_

_- I just don't._

Humming louder to try and make the voices banging around in his head stop, JD switched the water off and stepped out.

_- What the hell, Rebecca? You can't just pick and choose with life. You do realise you will die without an operation? Now, when is it?_

_- I'm having chemotherapy, I told you, I'm having chemo!_

_- Chemotherapy won't work. It won't, and you should fucking know it won't._

JD stepped out of the shower and sighed very quietly. Today was a chemotherapy day.

_- At least come with me tomorrow._

_- I can't do that._

_- Why not?_

He dressed slowly too, fairly aware he was just delaying the inevitable.

_- I'm not watching them stab your girly body with poison that won't even help. It's ridiculous, Tracy, and I refuse to watch it._

_- Fine. I'll go alone._

Dr Cox had a strange way of showing care.

* * *

"No one with you again?"

Chemotherapy was nasty. It was horrible.

It was scary.

"Thank you for coming." He looked at Dr Roberts gratefully.

"It's not a problem, JD. You're a nice guy." She laid a hand on his shoulder for a few moments too long.

"So, is there a girlfriend in the picture at all?" She asked randomly, casually, not meeting his eye.

"A girl- wha- no." He stumbled.

"A boyfriend, then?" His heart dropped for a second before realising she was laughing. He laughed along.

_- You're supposed to be my boyfriend._

_- Newbie, if you ever call me that I again I will throw you through a window. A closed window. _

_- Wow, I feel loved._

"No, no. No one's interested." He laughed.

"I find that hard to believe." She smiled shyly. JD's returning smile froze on his face. Doctors weren't allowed to flirt like this with patients, he was fairly sure. Offering support with chemotherapy was one thing... this was another. But what could he say?

_- I can't believe you won't support me. This is so ridiculous._

_- Not as ridiculous as your hair. _

"There is…" He started.

"What?" She gazed at him intensely. He gulped.

"Nothing, it's nothing. Promise." He checked his watch. "Wow, it's getting late. You can leave if you need to."

_- Just leave, okay?_

_- Gladly, Nancy._

He winced remembering. Dr Roberts misunderstood and stroked his arm slightly.

"I'm not going anywhere. It'll be over soon." She reassured him. "It'll be over soon."

* * *

JD retched again, shuddering with effort as he curled his arms around the toilet bowl. He was trying very, very hard not to cry. He hated being sick. He always had.

He had always enjoyed being ill, in a strange way. Being ill meant getting to stay at home and watch cartoons and eat jelly and soup. But being sick meant feeling wretched, not being able to concentrate on the cartoons or keep the jelly and soup down. He stood up shakily and flushed the toilet.

"Here." A hand held out a glass of water, and JD took it gratefully. He swilled his mouth out, and spat into the sink.

"I hate chemotherapy." He leant against the basin. He wondered if he would get a hug, an arm around the shoulder, or at least a pat on the back. No such luck.

"Then get an operation." The predictable reply shot back.

"Wow, are you stuck on replay?"

"What is it about operations that freak you out so much, Gertha? Is it the idea that the doctor might get confused and give you breasts instead? Or is that what you're hoping for?"

"I don't want to go into it." JD sulked.

"Why not?" Dr Cox demanded. JD looked up at him.

"I just threw up for the fifth time today, and it's only 12 o'clock. Please… not right now."

Something in Dr Cox's face softened. "Okay. Maybe you should go sit down."

* * *

Dr Cox was flicking through a newspaper and trying desperately to pretend that he wasn't in Newbie's apartment, wasn't counting the seconds until the man got out of the bathroom and back to him.

The scream ripped through the ticking of the clock and the rustling of the paper. He shot across the floor without even thinking about it, and found himself slamming his hand against the bathroom door.

"What happened?" He demanded. There was a few seconds, then a shaky voice answered.

"Nothing." JD whispered.

"I don't believe you, Jade."

"It's stupid."

"So is your hair, but I put up with it. Can I come in?"

There was a slight whimper. "If you really want. I guess. But it's nothing." Dr Cox pushed the door open, wondering whether he'd find a paper cut or a ghost or a spider.

At first glance, nothing was wrong. JD, shower, hairbrush, toilet, sink. Then he looked closer. JD, holding hairbrush, above the sink. And then ball of loose hair, lying pathetically in the sink.

Hair. Sink. Brush. Chemotherapy. Hair.

"It's falling out." JD said quietly. "It has been for a while, but that's worse than it's ever been. And it's going to get worse." He looked up. "Go on then. Call me a girl's name or insult me or something."

"I'm… not going to any of that." Dr Cox sighed. He considered awkwardly placing his arm around JD, but instead walked back to the other room, hoping the kid would get the idea and follow.

* * *

JD couldn't get up. He tried, and tried but he couldn't. It was like the energy had been sucked out of him.

He looked over at the other side of the bed. Dr Cox wasn't there. Of course he fucking wasn't. No one was.

He stretched an arm out and looked at how pale it was, how weak he felt to even lift it. He was overwhelmed by apathy and he needed to throw up yet again and he was afraid to sit up and see all the hair on the pillow and

"No more," he whispered to no one. "No more."

**Black November**

"You need to go to chemo."

"I don't want to go to chemo."

"Do you want to die?"

"Well, no…"

"Then you need to go to chemo."

"I won't go to chemo."

"Why?"

"I just won't." JD sat on the sofa, under a blanket. He shivered as he spoke. Dr Cox felt pangs of sadness and empathy rip through him, and quickly worked on beating them to death. Now was not the time for care. This felt like the twentieth time they had had this conversation.

"But why not?"

"It won't make a difference."

"This is so backwards. I cannot believe I'm actually trying to get you to do your chemotherapy. Why has no one asked about you missing appointments? Did you bore them to death?" If the insult registered in JD's mind he didn't show it. No answer came from him. He just transferred his glassy stare back to the TV.

"So you won't go to chemotherapy?"

"I'll go next time."

"You said that the time before. You'll say that next time."

"I won't. Even if I did, what does it matter?" JD raised a bottle of beer that he probably shouldn't have been drinking.

"It matters, princess, because cancer isn't something that just goes away overnight." Dr Cox hissed. He was playing dirty now. He could only teach through fear, he didn't know another way. Maybe it would help JD. He had always respected him before.

But then again, that had been the happy, healthy man in scrubs, hard at work. Not this strange, unshaven creature sat in the pyjamas he'd spent most of the last week in.

"What are you even doing here?" JD asked softly. When he got no answer, he carried on. "I remember thinking liking a guy… liking you… was the worst thing that could happen. Even when I realised no, there was much worse, I still pinned everything on you."

"What's your point?" Dr Cox hated how hoarse his voice sounded. He knew what that felt like- like there was one thing that if it was okay, if it was true, everything would be okay. If he got the job, if his Dad stayed sober for just one night, if he got the girl/boy/girl…

"I thought that if I had you, everything would stop. It would all be okay. You would make it okay." He paused to take another mouthful of bitter drink. "I guess you can't, eh?"

"No," Dr Cox said, his voice quiet. "I guess not."

* * *

"Where's JD?

I don't know, and I don't care." Dr Cox strode past Carla.

"Please, Dr Cox, you must know."

"Why would I know? I don't even like the kid." He didn't look her in the eye.

"Yeah, but he likes you. So he'd tell you. Please, Dr Cox, we're desperate." Dr Cox looked at Carla and took in the tanned skin, the fresh hair, the life. He thought back to JD's apartment with the blinds shut, the lights off, the stench of giving up. He took a moment to consider what he would rather have. Who he cared for more. Carla's gratitude, or JD's trust.

"Carla, I really have no idea." He brushed past her and went to find his next patient.

* * *

"It's been two weeks since you were supposed to go for your last chemotherapy session," Dr Cox said, voice quiet. "Would you please go and talk to Dr Roberts today? Just go to chemotherapy once. You never have to go again if you don't want to."

He looked at JD, but JD wouldn't look at him. He was dressed, but in an old tracksuit that he showed no signs of ever changing out of.

"JD, please go to chemotherapy today." Not even the first name use could draw a lucid response. "I will take you. I will wait with you. It'll all be okay. Just today. Never again. Can you do that?"

No answer.

"Just one session?"

"I'll go next time." A whispered answer came.

"Damn it!" He yelled, suddenly snapping. He stood up from his careful crouched position on the floor. "I can't fucking do this, okay? I just can't. I'm not prepared to sit here and watch you die."

"Why would you even care?" JD asked harshly.

"Because I love you, okay?" He shouted. There was silence. The earlier silences had merely been a lack of talking, a lack of anything. But this wasn't caused because something wasn't there. His words had pushed the silence in, were holding off any words that might try to get in.

_what have you done what have you done shit shit fuck shit what the fuck have you done shit fuck_

"You don't." JD eventually said.

"Don't tell me what I don't feel, Maggie."

"But you… can't. Since I gave you that damn note, have we kissed again? Have we hugged? Have you even said one nice thing to me?" No, he hadn't. Dr Cox knew he hadn't.

"No." He admitted.

"Wow, funny for someone in love. You can't bear it, can you? I mean, look at me." JD suddenly laughed, but it wasn't a nice laugh. "I'm a mess, okay? You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I'm fucked up."

"I'm hardly a prime example of a mentally stable person, Sugar." Dr Cox commented drily.

"You're not going to die in the next few months." The cold fact him like a wrecking ball.

"You don't have to either." Dr Cox walked towards the door, not looking back. "This is your choice. You don't have to."

**White December**

_This is your choice._

If suicide was a cowardly option, this was the most cowardly thing possible. Not even actively doing something, merely letting something happen to him.

JD looked at the phone. He could pick it up. He could have a shower and eat lunch and call Dr Cox, and say he was sorry, he was so sorry; of course he would do chemotherapy.

But it was so hard. To jump out from a familiar yet horrible light, hoping the darkness you landed in was better. It was too hard.

Suddenly, the door burst open. He didn't know who else it would have been, but at the same time the last person he expected was Dr Cox, with an oddly determined look on his face. "Come on." He said bluntly.

"What?" JD asked in a mild haze of confusion.

"Get up." He said, avoiding looking him in the eye.

"Why?"

"We're going to the hospital."

Immediately, JD recoiled. "I am not going to chemo! I'm not, you can't make me."

"I'm not going to."

"Then… why are we going?"

"You'll see." Dr Cox said grimly. "C'mon, get in the car."

"The Porsche?" JD couldn't help but have a slight interest.

"If I have to, now come on."

"Do I have to?" He groaned.

"Um, let's see. You can walk, or I can carry you."

JD didn't doubt Dr Cox, and so stood up on slightly shaky legs. He blinked slightly as he left the flat, wondering when daylight had become so bright. It had been a good few weeks since he had left the apartment, relying on Dr Cox to bring him food supplies between shifts. Despite everything, he still had a slight excitement about sitting in the _Porsche._

He gazed through the window, trying to squash the pangs of nervousness in his stomach. Nothing that bad could happen at St. Giles. The only person he really knew there was Dr Roberts, and he didn't care immensely about what she thought of him. It was only when he recognized the nauseatingly familiar surroundings that he began to panic.

"Oh, did I not specify which hospital?" Dr Cox commented as they pulled into Sacred Heart. "My bad there, Newbie."

JD thought he might be having a panic attack. He hadn't showered in days and he was in old, tatty clothes, and he was going to go see Turk and Carla and Elliot? Who had no idea what had happened, who had lost all respect for him?

"Out the car."

"I can't-" JD began to choke out.

"Yes, you can. Out or I'm pushing you out." JD complied meekly, pulling open the door and stepping out. This was ridiculous. He was a doctor; he was not allowed to be afraid of seeing a few people who he used to be close to. Yet he couldn't help but sink further into self-pity as he approached the building. Todd walked past, seemingly without even seeing him. It was a reminder of what this was, of who was here. He had half a mind to bolt, but Dr Cox had a hand on his shoulder, steering him through the entrance, down the corridor, over to- oncology?

"You said it had nothing to do with chemo!" JD hissed.

"It doesn't. Come with me." He led JD through to the small section, tucked away at the back of oncology. Crude drawings of smiling nurses, families and butterflies were stuck on the bright walls. There were a series of rooms, with this small communal area.

The child oncology unit.

"Oh, I see, I'm a five year old girl. I get it, funny. Can we go now?"

"You honestly think I'd sink that low?" He got no answer. "Good to know. Anyway, no, that isn't why we're here. Look."

"I just see a bunch of kids-"

"No, really look." Dr Cox insisted. "Remember that time at the park, when I accused you of being a paedophile for gazing at little children? Exactly what were you admiring in them?"

"I don't know. How carefree they were? How little they worried? I can hardly see that in these kids." He sighed at their shaved heads and pale skin.

"Can't you? Look again." JD sighed, but obliged. And he saw. He saw that despite the illness, the sickness, the chemotherapy, they were _happy. _They were crawling around on the floor, banging blocks together. They were giggling in corners, trading secrets. They were reading books and playing with dolls and even playing a very careful game of tag. Despite what could be a death sentence, they were alive.

A small truck hit his foot, and a girl ran up. "Hello." She said seriously. "My name is Sally and you have my truck."

He smiled at the girl. She wore a pink dress with a matching flowery bandana. She had a bright red lollipop in her hand, which she stuck back in her mouth whenever she wasn't talking.

"I think I do, sorry, Sally." He reached down, and handed it over to her. "Can you forgive me?"

She studied him, then burst out giggling. "Of course I can!" She foraged around in her pocket. "Want a lolly? They help me feel less sick." Before he could answer she stuck a wrapped, pink lollipop into his hand. "Also, they taste nice. You're lucky, pink is the best colour."

"Thanks." He smiled.

Something caught the girl's eye. "Jacob, that's MINE!" Without looking back at JD, she ran off to reclaim yet another truck.

"See what I mean?" Dr Cox's gruff voice startled JD, who had forgotten he was there. "Now, you're not a kid, Newbie, but they've got it just as bad as you- some have got it worse. You're the exact same, but completely different. And I swear to God, if you start crying, you giant girl, I'm leaving. Oh my God, you are, aren't you?"

"Shut up!" JD laughed, wiping his eyes.

"Shall I ask that girl if you can borrow her truck?"

"Probably not a good plan." They began to walk out.

"She looks violent, I'm not trying it. She'd probably claw my eyes out."

"What is she, six?" He laughed.

"So what, she's a little bit older than you. If you really want that truck as a Christmas present, I'll see what I can do."

JD's laughter paused. "Christmas?"

"Yes, Kara, Christmas. It's only three weeks away."

"Shit!" He yelped. "Seriously?"

"Yes, Mariah. It's December. See?" They had reached a window.

"Snow!" He grinned, reaching a hand up against the glass. "I love snow!"

Dr Cox sighed. "Why am I unsurprised?"

"Doesn't everyone love snow?"

"I don't."

"You don't?"

"Nope, not at all."

"That's because there's no joy in your soul."

"Valid point." Stood looking out the window, at the white flakes slowing drifting down, JD tentatively allowed himself to believe there could be a happy ending after all.


	9. Two Doctors

**This is version 2. I hope it's okay! Tell me if you hate anything.**

**I am so sorry for how long it is. You may need some glucose tablets to reach the end.**

"No."

"Please?"

"No.

"But-"

"No."

"It's-"

"Oh my God, for the last time Samara- no, I am not spending Christmas day with you." Dr Cox exclaimed. JD scowled.

"Why not?"

"Try because I have a son who I'd like to see? Because I don't want to be awakened by your girly little ass jumping up and down on my bed at five in the morning, hugging your and new Barbie doll and shrieking 'He's been, Perry, he's been!'" Dr Cox jumped up and down in time with his high pitched impression.

"Ooh, can I call you Perry?"

"Oh, for the love of- gah!" Dr Cox gave up, and stormed off.

"You know, that worked better when you went into a patient's room than when you just went into my bathroom." JD called, as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. He had to pause briefly when clouds of blackness swamped his vision.

"No conversations while I'm peeing. How do you still not know this?" Dr Cox snarled back.

"Well, you said you'd never come into my apartment, and yet you're here, aren't you?"

"Stop reminding me, Gladys." There was a pause. "Do you have any scotch?"

"No hard alcohol in my apartment. How do you still not know this?"

Dr Cox poked his head around the door and looked JD directly in the eyes. "You are going to pay."

JD didn't care. It was nine at night, Dr Cox had got off of his shift and JD was just enjoying feeling good again. Even his physical symptoms seemed to have subsided now he was getting eight hours sleep, three meals and a lot more sunlight per day. Not to mention seeing Dr Cox every day, and being in the right state of mind to enjoy it…

"Oh my God, Iantha." JD's heart jolted as if he had done something wrong. Ahh, if only he could stop being paranoid people could hear his thoughts. "Don't you have any razors?"

"Iantha?" JD raised an eyebrow.

"I... ran out of the more common names." He elaborated impatiently.

"You could always switch to male names?" JD suggested.

"Let's not get silly here, Keira." The gruff voice admonished.

"At least come out of the bathroom when you talk to me."

"Never. Now, come on, do you not have a single razor in this wonderspa?"

"No. I don't have to use one much anymore..." The nasty reminder created a sad kind of silence. "Why do you want one so much, anyway?" JD asked.

"Shaving. Duh."

"Don't you have shaving stuff at your house?"

"No, I've run out."

"Well, why can't you buy some more?" JD said, slightly confused.

"Because that would cost me money, and stealing yours won't. Well, it wouldn't have. Seeya around, Lia Lia." JD only got a fleeting glimpse of Dr Cox as he reached the door.

"The five dollar note on my cabinet?"

"Taken." Dr Cox confirmed. "I'll give you the change if I get any."

"Really?"

"No, not really." Dr Cox said, almost sympathetically. JD's front door slammed shut, and he sighed slightly. He should be happy. Dr Cox was coming to his apartment voluntarily most days now.

But never for more than an hour at a time. Never twice a day. Not once had he smiled at JD, hugged him, let alone kissed him... JD was confused. He was so, so confused. He didn't understand where they stood. Friends? More? Less? He had isolated himself. It was his own fault, but he had done it all the same. Dr Cox was the only person who knew about his 'condition'. JD could hardly ring Turk up and say "Hey, what's up, I have cancer". He laughed darkly at the idea. It had passed the time period when confessions would be okay. If he saw Turk at this point, the other man would feel so betrayed and confused that anything JD had to say would be rendered pointless.

JD was happier now, he couldn't even start to doubt that. But he was still lonely. He had always been a social person, always relied on others. Now, when he needed friends the most, he had pushed them all away. As if someone had read his mind (return of the paranoia!), there was a sudden knock at the door. Caught up in his solitary funk, he finally clocked Dr Cox's jersey slung over the sofa. The other man had come back for it. With a sigh, he heaved himself up and trotted off to go and get it.

And came face to face with an angry Latina woman.

Um.

He considered slamming the door in her face- judging by the look on her face, surely it couldn't make her any _angrier? _But the mental image of Carla, bleeding and crying wouldn't leave him alone. He couldn't risk hurting her. He leaned against the door frame, preparing himself mentally for what was bound to be a nasty few minutes. He felt her eyes roving up and down his body- not in approving way. Merely a 'taking in what you see' way.

"You look like shit." She commented bluntly. She tried to meet his eyes but he stared at the ground.

"Compliment accepted." He tried to joke, but the tense air choked the laugh that tried to rise from his throat.

"Should we cut the crap?" Carla's voice lacked emotion, but a quick glance upwards showed her eyes brimming with a thousand unspoken words.

"What do you mean?"

"JD."

"Yeah, okay." He agreed, suddenly tired.

"Why haven't you been at work?"

"I quit." He could see her visibly recoil, as if he had slapped her.

"Why?"

"I was missing too much for it to be worth anything."

"Why?" She repeated. JD hesitated.

"It doesn't matter." He blurted out. He tried to close the door in desperation but she pushed it back open.

"JD." He ignored her. "JD, look at me." Grudgingly, he forced his eyes upwards to meet hers.

Any anger she had shown was gone. In her eyes was… pity? JD felt a rush of anger. He didn'twant pity. It made him angry. He didn't want to be seen as the little boy- no, little girl, always needing someone to kiss it better and tell them it'd all be okay. He was ready to run inside- wow, because _that _was so masculine- and hide. But instead he looked slightly deeper, and saw a lot more than he had at first. What he had mistaken for pity looked a lot more like sympathy. Empathy. Like she had taken in all of his hurt and added it to hers, Turk's, Elliot's…

"Bambi." Her voice was quiet and soothing, like he was a scared animal that might bolt at any second. "I'm scared."

"Why?" His voice cracked, and he hated himself for it.

"Because of you." She answered simply. "Well, it isn't your fault. So I should say _for _you, I guess. I haven't seen you in weeks. You're paler. You look so sad. You look like you've aged a thousand years overnight. I'm scared, JD, because I don't know if it was something I did or something I didn't do or didn't notice-"

"It's not your fault." He interrupted.

"I still want to know. You're my friend, JD. I want to know what's wrong."

"No, you don't."

"I do. JD, I'm trustworthy-"

He gave her a look.

"Fine, but you can't say I don't care."

He had no answer for that.

"I can leave if you want." She offered. He blinked. "Not a trick, promise. I can walk out the door, and never come back. Maybe then I can finally just accept that you're done with me, with us. Or you can appreciate that I haven't slept in _weeks _over you. That Elliot spends every day crying in the supply closet, and that Turk acts like his wife has left him. He botched a surgery, you know." JD stared.

"Too caught up in his thoughts, nicked an artery. Nothing that serious, thank God, but still. I'm not telling you all this to guilt trip you. I'm telling you it because I want you to know how much we care, JD. How much _I _care. I know we aren't as close as you and Elliot, or you and Turk, but maybe that would make telling me what's up easier? I don't know. You can talk to me, or I can leave. And I've just poured my entire goddamn heart out over this dirty hallway floor and I have never been more embarrassed. But I'd put up with all the shame in the world for you. So you tell me what it's gonna be." Carla spoke quickly and became more and more visibly upset.

"Will… will you tell anyone?" His heart was racing.

"Depends on what it was." She said, in what was clearly a well considered and prepared way.

"So, what if I told you… I was sick? Would you tell anyone?"

"Depends on what kind of sick." JD could hear a slight, well covered up panic in her voice.

"What if I told you…" He took a step closer, and looked up, his tear filled eyes meeting hers. "I had cancer?"

* * *

It was calm. JD slumped on the sofa, leaning against Carla, trying desperately not to think about how pathetic he must look. She stroked his hair calmly, and he had that feeling back that he only got with Dr Cox- the feeling of being safe. It was different here- she was like his mother. She was the only woman in his life where there was sexual attraction, and he was so glad that he had her. With Elliot, it would have been too awkward. With Turk, too emotional. Here, it had been wordless. She had merely taken him into her arms, and he was calm.

Eventually, she spoke. He supposed she had to. "How long have you known?"

"About three months." He told her, simultaneously surprised at how long and at how short it had been.

"Are you in treatment?"

"Yes." He wanted to leave it at that, but she asked the dreaded question.

"Is it working?" He hesitated for a moment, before replying-

"Honestly? No. I don't think it is."

"Oh, Bambi." She sighed, running her hands through his hair. A sliver fluttered to the ground, and he winced, waiting for her to get up and run. She didn't.

"Sorry." She whispered.

"It's okay." He whispered back.

"Why are we being so quiet?"

"The spiders might hear." He said, randomly.

"… spiders?" She began to giggle, and he had to join in. Soon they were flat out laughing, laughing hysterically at nothing. At that for a few seconds, he was the old JD again. At the sheer obscurity of this whole situation.

"You're mad." She giggles. "Mad. And I'm so glad I have you." She hugged him close suddenly, and he smiled over her shoulder.

She didn't hate him. She didn't think he was pathetic. It was all okay.

He pulled back very slightly, and saw she was smiling too. She laid a soft hand on his cheek, and he left his arms loosely around her waist.

"Say it again." He wanted confirmation that he had a friend. He was cared about. It was all okay.

* * *

Dr Cox did not do things like 'enjoy spending time' with people. The idea of just spending hours with someone, not doing anything except existing with them was foreign to him. Did he wish he could do something else when the kid was there? Sure. But there was a mental block that stopped him. Like someone else was taking over, and they were pulling the strings attached to his arms, his legs, his mouth.

Dr Cox did not do things like play cute little tricks, either. So he was wondering why, when walking out and catching a glimpse of his jersey, he had calmly walked off. He knew it was there. He knew he had left it. He knew he slept in it in these colder winter months, so he knew he had to go back and get it.

He ended up back at the apartment block. He was climbing the stairs to try and give himself that bit of extra time to make this entire thing seem less pathetic. Oh, how pathetic he was. He hated himself a bit more with every step.

_Percival Cox! You're starting to care about a person? Not even a person, a man? An annoying little girl man?_

But try as he might, he couldn't mistake the fast beating of his heart for the physical exertion of running up the staircase.

Okay, Newbie. Newbie's apartment. What number was it?

_Oh don't even pretend you don't know, you sad and lonely man._

With a hiss, he admitted he knew the exact location, and abandoning all pretence, walked as fast as he could towards it. But as he neared, he began to frown. A slit of light fell out into the hallway.

The door was open.

He panicked. _If someone's gone and murdered Patricia because I wasn't there, what do I do? What if he's dead? If it's my fault if he's dead? _He was taken back to memories of coming home to find his mother unconscious, bleeding. If he had been at home, maybe he could have stopped his father. _Just maybe. _

He pounced into the lounge just in time to see JD pulling Carla close. Carla's hand stroking his face. Carla staring deep into his eyes as she said, lovingly-

"I'm so glad I have you."

* * *

One.

Turk slammed the empty beer down onto the bar. He licked his lips, wondering when the feeling of release would kick in. Clearly, not yet.

"Another one, please." He asked the barmaid- a cold, unhappy looking woman that didn't meet his eye as she slid the drink across.

He wondered where JD was, right now. He hoped he was safe. He took a long gulp of beer.

Two.

Nice light headedness kicking in, admittedly. He looked over and saw a new man enter the bar. Ahh, Dr Cox. Unsurprising. Although he hadn't seen him in here in the last few weeks.

"Another one?" Turk mouthed at the cold woman. And lo and behold, another drink appeared. "I'll drink to that." He said to no one in particular.

"Alright." No one in particular replied. Turk looked over to see Dr Cox propped up on the bar, a glass of scotch clutched in a tight fist.

"You okay, Dr Cox?" He asked, slightly confused. His face was set in stone but his hands shook slightly.

"Top of the world, Gandharella. That's why I'm sat in a dingy bar at ten at night on my own binge drinking. No talking." There was a few seconds of obligatory silence.

"Well I _will _drink to that." Turk commented.

Three.

"Carla's out somewhere." He commented idly. "Not that sure where."

"Wouldn't you like to know." Dr Cox muttered bitterly.

"Probably not. Probably at some 'Your boyfriend is a tool' seminar."

_What if JD is dead? _

He forced a laugh his own joke, not caring when Dr Cox didn't join in. Instead he just ordered another drink.

Fourishhh five.

"The problem is that I love her, but she gets on my nerves." Turk slurred. "She's a good woman." He checked his watch. 11-ish? Meh, time was hard.

"No she's not." Dr Cox announced. Turk had no idea how much he had had- it was too hard to count. Quite a lot. "She's a relationship wrecking _bitch._"

"Dude, I can't drink to that." Turk pouted.

"Drink anyway. Nothing matters."

Seveneitghtnine?

"She does, she ruins everything. She's mean and horrible and she's a stupid bitch, Martin."

"Martin?" Turk squinted at Dr Cox.

"Yeahh. I call you Martin Luther King, don't I?"

"I don't think so." Turk replied, confused.

"Well, it's something like that."

"Carla's not a bad person. She just gets a bit over the top sometimes."

"No. She's evil. You know what runs through her stupid Latina veins? Pure fuckin' evil, King."

Turk remained silent. People insulting Carla didn't exactly make him happy. Yet he had to admit he did appreciate the other man's care and empathy.

"You don't have to be 'nnoyed with her, just 'cause I am." Turk told him. Well, he thought he told him. Dr Cox replied with something about light rain, so he supposed his mouth may not be obeying him anymore.

Eleveewelveteen?

Meh, counting was hard.

* * *

"Dr Cox?"

"No." He said loudly, flicking through a chart and wincing. Everything was so _loud. _He had rather hoped he would have become immune to hangovers by now.

"Please, I really need to talk to you."

"I'm sure you do." He shut the chart and tried to continue on his way.

"Look, I know you're pissed at me." He raised an eyebrow before realising she couldn't see and just scowling instead. "I don't know why, but I really need you to forget whatever me, or Turk has done, and please just… listen to me. I really need to talk to you."

"Oh, what lovely little thing do you need to confess? That you gained three pounds this month and now you've broken your diet again? That you _are_ actually from Peurto Rica? I'm all ears, really. Just know it's not your husband that's done something wrong, for once, it's you. Stop poking yourself in where you aren't wanted." He hissed.

"What?" She cried. "Please, Doctor Cox, this is important. It's about JD-"

"Oh, because you know so much about that."

"Actually, I do-" She was starting to get sassy. He kept on cutting her off.

"You know jack shit, Carla."

"Oh really?" He finally turned around and saw the heat in her eyes.

_Oops._

"Hey, everyone?" She called out. All the nurses looked up, and a few doctors did too. "Does anyone remember Dr John Dorian?"

"The one that ran off with that woman from Brazil?"

"No, he was murdered by his dentist."

"I heard that that new chick in Radiology is actually Dr Dorian after the operation…"

Dr Cox felt the colour drain from his face. "Carla. Don't."

"Oh, I do what I want. I'm the only person he told, he said." She spat at him.

"No, I know-"

"You know jack shit, _Perry_."

"Can people please stop turning what I say back at me?"

"He said he didn't want anyone to know. But, I think it's about time that they did. Well, about time that _you _know."

"Somewhere private, then?" He did not want to have to play to what Carla wanted, but he couldn't think of another way. If he got her alone, he could tell her he knew, it would all be okay…

"I don't see why that's necessary. I'm sure these nice people care too. Although you don't understand care, do you? I went to see him yesterday. You know, he needs friends right now. But he needs more than that, he needs you." She walked up to him, and rose up on her tip toes to whisper into his ear.

"He loves you." She withdrew, and looked daggers at him. He grabbed her wrist, and dragged her into a nearby room. She screeched insults at him, but he was stronger- pushed her into an empty room and slammed the door.

"It's true." She said firmly.

"Really? Because I was pretty sure you were seeing him, as your little mistress on the side."

"I love Turk, you jackass." She looked disgusted.

"Well, judging by what I saw yesterday-"

"What did you see yesterday?" She demanded.

"You and your husband's wife near enough making out on the sofa."

"I was comforting him as a friend. That's what friends do. I forgot you wouldn't know." Suddenly, a thought seemed to strike Carla. "Wait. Why were you at JD's apartment?"

"To see what the hell he was playing at?" Dr Cox tried. She bought it.

"He's got cancer." Carla's words rung around the empty room. "That's what he's 'playing at'. That's why he acted so weird around the patient, why he was at St. Giles, why he's off work. I just thought you should know that the person who cares about you more than anyone else in the world is going to die."

"He's not going to die-" Dr Cox started, hating being so powerless, hating how dry his mouth felt.

"Yes, he is. He's refusing the operation." Carla's mascara was running down her face. "I just… I give up. On everyone here. No one cares."

Dr Cox didn't snap. He had so many feelings building up inside him, attacking him inside, yet he somehow kept his calm. Maybe he'd grown up? He hoped not, that sounded confusing.

"So what's wrong with JD again?" He asked quietly.

"Cancer-" Carla began aggressively.

"Renal cell carcinoma, unresponsive to chemotherapy. He's lost a lot of weight, a lot of hair and a lot of optimism. He's probably spent the last few weeks in his apartment without leaving it."

"That's what he said-"Yet again, Carla was cut off.

"Did he tell you who was bringing him food?"

There was a silence.

"Don't assume things, Carla. Just… don't." He turned to leave. Eugh. This had _not _improved his hangover, but it certainly might have ruined his day.

"How long have you known?" She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Since that 'Five Things' exercise Bobbo made us do."

"And you kept it a secret?"

"I had to. He asked me to."

"Since when do you do what people ask you to?"

"I-" His eyes froze, and grew wide. Carla spun around to see what he was looking at.

Nurse Roberts stood in the corner, smiling.

"How long have you been there?" Carla asked.

"Long enough." She answered simply.

* * *

JD brushed his teeth, spat in the sink, and got ready to go to bed. But as he came out of the bathroom, his mobile phone buzzed angrily. He stared. Not many people knew his mobile number. Dr Roberts, and Dr Cox. Neither ever texted him. He picked up the phone very carefully.

**1 New Message! **it informed him cheerily. He hit "Open", and scan read what was written- eyes growing wider all the time.

**Your girlfriend Carla accidentally told the whole hospital what's wrong with you. Everybody knows. **

JD texted back quickly, fumbling the keys.

**what? how?**

He waited impatiently for the reply. "Why does he have to type everything out in full?" JD cried out, not caring if he was being a hypocrite. Eventually, after a thousand years, the phone jumped again.

**Nurse Roberts said she only told a few people, but you know how that goes. She must have overheard. Jesus, Gladys, she hasn't half fucked this one up.**

JD didn't know what to write. He was about to hit "Reply" when it buzzed again.

**Do you want me to come around?**

JD leant his head in his hand, and sighed. People _knew. _Turk would know. Elliot would know. Dr Cox had pretty clearly mistaken friendship for more, care for bitchiness and what was supposed to be kindness for a lack of caring. He had thought Dr Cox would be embarrassed if Carla knew he spent time with JD. Thought Carla would have been mad if she knew he had told Dr Cox, but not her.

He thought so many things, but he didn't have to think as he typed back his reply.

**please.**


	10. One By One

**Last but one chapter. Will see how next one ends, then consider a sequel, but I doubt it… guysss, Countdown has nearly ended and I've done next to nothing for most of it, I'm sorry XD**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing. Slightly less long this time around!**

* * *

"I'm very sorry." A quiet voice said. "The chemotherapy isn't working."

"Not even a little bit?"

"No, not even a little bit."

"But it has to have." JD said. He was pretty sure he was in shock. "It can't have_ not_. I've gone through so much, it has to have worked."

"It really hasn't, and I cannot honestly advise or even allow you to continue with the treatment."

"So it was all for nothing?"

"I'm sorry." Dr Roberts said desperately. "At least you didn't have to have the treatment for that long before we realised."

He looked up at her. It _had _been a long time. Any time with chemotherapy was a long time. He ran his hand through his barely-there hair. He glanced at his arm and was reminded of how his clothes hung off of him.

"So what now?"

"Surgery will definitely improve your chances. By a long way. Otherwise…" She let out a hopeless shrug. There was no kind way to phrase the alternative. He nodded slowly.

"So what do you think?"

"I… I need some more time to think." He said desperately.

"You may not have that long." She said, sounding nearly as upset as he felt.

"Just a little while. Maybe therapy will help on Wednesday."

"Yes, I got the report through from Dr Jones. He's very impressed that you're still making your weekly sessions."

JD smiled weakly. He hated therapy. He couldn't lie. He found it incredibly hard to open up, and had long since given up trying- he was sure Dr Jones knew that. The two of them tended to spend sessions talking about television programs. He still had been going, though- mostly because Dr Cox could have (and had) physically picked him up and driven him if he refused.

Dr Perry Cox was probably sat somewhere at home, downing scotch and watching sports. JD hadn't asked him to come. Dr Cox hadn't cared.

JD realised he had his head in his hands and made a conscious effort to sit up and smile. Dr Roberts was looking very concerned. "JD?" She asked.

"I'm fine, it's just… a lot to take in."

"We did warn you chemotherapy was a poor option."

"Yeah, but…" He trailed off.

She looked into his eyes. "Yeah."

"I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm scared."

"I know." Her eyes reflected his own hopelessness back at him. "I know." And with that, she kissed him.

_Oh God. Eep. Woman. Woman kissing me. Brain, what do I do? _

_I just learned I could be dying, I'm not working on romance right now._

_Well I should probably do something, right now I'm just sitting still._

_Well think of something, you're the boss here._

_Great, I'm just standing still and she is kissing me. This is a nightmare. What do I do?_

_I have no idea! Besides, isn't it mildly illegal?_

_What?_

_She's your doctor, you're her patient._

_Oh shit!_

He broke away. "But… you're my doctor. I'm your patient."

"I don't care." She took a deep breath. "Look, I know it's wrong but I can't stop thinking about you. There are ways around this. You could switch to a different doctor. A different hospital. And I… I don't mind if I have to quit work here at St. Giles. I know it's inappropriate but I just can't bear to see you like this. You're so alone, JD. I get the psych reports. You're lonely. It breaks my heart to see you walk in here, and know you're going back home to an empty apartment." Silence.

"So… what do you think?" She whispered, glancing around anxiously in case someone were to burst in.

"I think…" His brain was working overtime, thoughts spinning around. "I think I need to transfer to a different doctor." She was grinning. He hated himself. "No, I don't mean… for that. I mean because I don't feel that way about you. And I don't think it would be fair on either of us for you to continue treating me."

"You don't… feel the same?" She said, confused.

"No, I honestly don't." She flinched. Damn. "I'm really, really sorry."

"Is there someone else?" She asked, desperately. _Let it go, woman!_

"Truthfully? I don't know."

"Whoever they are, they're very lucky." She said softly. "And they're an idiot not to want you."

He smiled sadly. She did the same.

"I am so sorry." She said suddenly. "That was… Jesus. Are you going to file a complaint?" she asked nervously.

"No, no, I won't. I'll just ask to switch off of your service. I'll say it's for personal reasons."

She smiled. He did the same.

"I'd better get back to work." She sighed.

"I'd better go back home." He agreed.

"Is this goodbye then, I guess?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Goodbye, JD."

"Bye." And he left without looking back.

* * *

Dr Cox couldn't remember exactly when he had had the key cut, but he knew he had one. He sat on the sofa, throwing a ball into the air and catching it. Up, down. Up, down.

Left, right. Left, right. JD counted his steps as he walked. Cancer. Chemotherapy. Kisses. Random, disjointed thoughts jumped into his head and he couldn't seem to group them or make sense of them.

Bored, bored, bored. Well, not bored, more like scared. Terrified. Unwilling to admit it. Dr Cox stared at the door, waiting for someone to come through it. Up, down. The repetition was mildly soothing, a glimpse of order in a world of chaos.

JD trudged towards his apartment, uncaring and apathetic. He just wanted to go home, go to bed, and got to sleep.

Dr Cox saw the handle turn slightly, and dropped the ball, straightening up. He tried to stamp on the bit of him that wanted to rush forwards, but failed.

JD should probably have jumped or at least been shocked when he saw the man standing, waiting for him, but he didn't. Everything was dulled. Everything was numb.

"So?" asked Dr Cox, hoping that was enough because he didn't want to elaborate.

"Yeah." replied JD, hoping that would suffice because he had no idea how to explain.

Words were hard and comforting was even harder, so Dr Cox just did the logical thing and wrapped his arms around the trembling figure.

JD rested his head against the other man's shoulder and began to cry.

* * *

"Get up!"

"What time is it?"

"C'mon, get up."

"This is a rare day off. If it's before 10AM, I'll kill you."

"It's half eleven." JD told him, casually pushing his alarm clock to the floor.

"What was that?"

"Oh, just knocked a book over. C'mon, up!"

"It is very dark for half past eleven, Trudy."

"Well, you're awake now, so you might as well get up."

"I hate you." Dr Cox yawned, stretching.

"Always so pleasant." JD remarked, wrapping his gown around himself.

"So why am I up?"

"It's Christmas." JD grinned. With a groan, Dr Cox pulled the pillow over his head.

"I have stuff for you." JD protested.

"I will not be bought."

"Oh but you are so easily bought."

"But I won't be bought with a hand carved duck figurine wrapped in scented tissue paper."

"Come on, Dr Cox, please?"

"Can you not call me that? I find it intensely creepy. Makes me feel a bit like a paedophile."

"Okay. Perry." JD said, wondering if it was a hoax. But Dr C- Perry nodded approvingly, and so JD swallowed the stupid ball of happiness in the pit of his stomach.

"Fine, what about if I give you the present now?"

"Hmm, free stuff _and _I get to stay in bed. Sounds like a fair enough deal. Proceed."

Suddenly feeling like an immature three year old, JD fumbled behind him for the stupidly wrapped present. He had actually bought a present and wrapped it. After the disastrous doctor's appointment a mere two weeks ago, it had seemed to be a sensible thing to do.

Perry still wasn't who JD wanted him to be. Didn't treat him the way JD longed to be treated. Only when he was at the extremes of emotion- anger, sadness- would Perry even attempt to be close to him. JD didn't want much. He just wanted more moments of closeness. In them, everything seemed_ right_, so much more than he could remember than with Danni or Julie or even with Elliot.

He hadn't yet heard from Elliot or Turk. Carla came to visit every other day. She brought fruit baskets and Golden Girls DVDs.

"I hope you like it." JD mumbled, thrusting it towards Perry and sprinting off towards the bathroom.

"Oh come on, Steph. You made such a big thing about this. I thought you'd stick around a bit.

"I need the toilet." JD shouted, sat on the closed lid. "Go ahead and open it." He strained his ears, and heard paper ripping. Then nothing.

_I wish my bathroom had a window I could climb out of._

JD flushed the unused toilet and spent a long time washing his hands. Still nothing.

_Is he dead or something? Imagine dying on Christmas. That would be such a downer._

He pushed the door open, and peeked around it. Perry examined what he held in his hands.

"It's not much." JD broke the silence and immediately regretted it.

Perry looked up. "Janine, did you get your mommy to buy this for me? I didn't think underage kids could _buy _alcohol."

JD retorted obligingly, but inside a part of him felt crushed. He knew absolutely nothing about scotch. He had got himself to a store, asked a man for advice, bought one of the most expensive bottles there and got himself back. He usually didn't leave the house unless it was an emergency. Surely even Perry had to appreciate how hard that had been for him, even if he didn't like the drink.

Then Perry looked at him, straight in the eyes. "Thank you."

JD received nothing in return. They missed lunch, instead eating several bags of nachos throughout the day. JD hadn't decorated his apartment, although he had tidied it slightly. At dinner time they ate TV dinners watching reruns of crappy Christmas movies. They had woken up at JD's apartment, and at about ten at night they went to bed and straight to sleep at JD's apartment.

It was the best Christmas JD could remember in a long time.

* * *

"Hi."

"Hey." JD replied.

_Oh my God, most awkward phone conversation ever._

"… hi."

"Yeah, hey."

Silence. _Say something!_

"How're you?" JD asked.

"Okay, thanks. Do I wanna know how you are?"

"Don't know. Do you?" JD shifted position on the sofa.

"Don't know." Silence. "You know, you're missing Sanford and Son."

"Oh dude, seriously? Where?"

"Usual channel, they put it back on again."

"Awesome!"

"I know, right?"

_Oh shit, you've run out of things to say. Ask how he is. No, you've done that! Gah! Say something, anything!_

"Want to come round and watch it with me?"

_Not that!_

"You sure?"

_Well okay maybe that._

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay, that'd be cool. See you in ten minutes?"

"Okay. Bye Turk." JD hung up, and looked at the phone for a minute. Perry had gone back to his apartment, and JD had to admit that yeah, he was pretty lonely. He didn't know if it was fate, luck or just boredom that had gotten Turk to call him. But either way, he was glad he had.

* * *

"So, no operation?" Turk stayed looking at the screen.

_We've just spent three hours laughing. Three hours of stuff being like it used to be. Did you have to wreck it?_

"I don't know." JD replied. "I didn't want one, no."

"Okay." The theme tune filled the air again, and they sung along softly. "Why not?" Turk asked.

"Not worth going into."

"Dude, come on. I'm a surgeon. There's not really anyone better to talk to about operations being right or wrong."

"Turk, you told a man with a headache that surgery was the best option."

"I was concerned about tumours."

"He needed reading glasses."

"Either way, dude, I just want to know what's got you all freaked out. You were fine when you had to have your appendectomy."

"Yeah, but that was a while ago now. Since then…" JD struggled to find the right words. Turk stayed quiet. "I don't know, man. I see so many patients die. And one day I just started thinking, what if that's me? It's like, built up. It started off just a general uneasiness. It got worse, and worse. Now I'm flat out terrified."

"Most patients survive surgery, JD. We wouldn't do it if they didn't."

"I know that. But it's kind of like telling a hydrophobic that there's nothing bad about water. Logic doesn't work."

They laughed at the end of a joke they caught, and JD sipped from the beer Turk had brought him. He pulled a face.

"Such a wuss." Turk laughed. And, approaching the subject almost as awkwardly as the cancer, he asked another question. "Where's Dr Cox?"

"He doesn't live with me."

"Oh." Pause. "Carla thought he did."

"Carla thought wrong. He spends time here, but he definitely doesn't live here."

"And are you two…" There was no way Turk could finish that sentence. JD took pity.

"I don't know. I guess we kind of are."

"Good for you." Turk said, with surprising conviction.

"Thanks, man." JD figured it was his turn to keep the awkwardness going. "How much did Carla tell you?"

"She was pretty upset so at first I didn't know what she was talking about. But then she told me that she'd been to see you, and I was kind of mad. That you'd seen her but not me." JD opened his mouth, but chose not to reply.

"Then she told me what was wrong and I honestly couldn't be mad anymore. Sure, I felt kind of betrayed that you had cut us off like that, but I can hardly blame you now."

"I'm sorry." JD admitted. "I just… needed time to think." Another pause, but less awkward this time. "How did you find out about me and Perry?"

"He lets you call him Perry?"

"He-" JD started, flustered, but Turk laughed.

"Carla told me about you two as well. Kind of hinted a lot until I guessed. But I'd kind of had my suspicions before, dude. No offence."

"None taken." They sipped in unison.

"And what-" JD was interrupted as the door opened, and Dr Cox walked in. He looked slightly taken aback when he saw Turk. JD looked around, panicked.

_Please don't let anyone yell._

"Hi." Turk eventually greeted him.

"You got beer?" Dr Cox said gruffly.

"Sure do." He tossed one over, and Dr Cox caught it.

"You're watching sports now." He told the two matter-of-factly, sitting down on the chair next to them and trying very hard to be nice.

* * *

"Thank you for that." JD commented.

"For what" Perry asked, pretending not to understand.

"For… you know. Making it easy for me and Turk."

Perry snorted. "Please, Priscilla. It's impossible to keep you two apart. You're like two very strong, very gay magnets that just keep on attracting."

"Does that… bother you?" JD asked. Perry winced. Was it really time to have this conversation already? He looked JD in the eyes, and felt the usual wall of confusing and slightly unnerving feelings hit him. Better now than never, he supposed. He looked back at the ground as he spoke.

"Look, I need to say some stuff. Please shut up and don't interrupt me. I… I know we don't exactly have a 'relationship'. I'm probably supposed to be jealous if you spend time with other people, or do crap like touch you all the time, smile at you, be _nice_… I'm supposed to do all that stuff but I don't, because the idea just freaks me out. No, shut up Debra, I don't want your views. I know that that's the kind of thing you want. I'm not stupid. But I need you to understand that damnit, Elizabeth, that's what I want too." JD blinked.

"Bu-"

Dr Cox started pacing.

"Wilma, please. This is… hard for me, okay? Like, normal people get scared of normal stuff. I get scared of… this. Of people. Of being open or caring. I see how you are with your patients and your friends, and I don't get how you can just go around _trusting _people. In some stupid fucked up way I'm jealous. All I can ever see is the bad in them. And I know that right now I'm not who you want me to be, but I'm not who I want to be either."

There was a fair distance between them now. _That's probably symbolic, _JD's mind helpfully noted.

"I can't be all soft and cuddly. I tried with Jordan. It didn't work. And I need you to understand that, Newbie. That I'm not _like _most people, that being happy takes effort for me. That this entire thing is making me so uncomfortable I'm actually itching- I need to go home and down most of a bottle of scotch because I cannot be here right now."

Perry had turned to leave, but turned back one more time. Staring at the ground, he said a few more words quickly.

"And you need to understand that… just now, I tried. And I'm gonna keep on trying. But you needed to know some stuff. That when I'm leaving before you wake up, or insulting you randomly, it isn't because I don't_ like_ you. It's because I like you too much. And nothing in this whole goddamn world scares me more than how much I need you."

The door slammed shut.


	11. Zero Days Left

**OKAY SO THIS IS A THING.**

**This story is like my Frankenstein's creature or something. ****I started it nearly four years ago; I was thirteen. I don't think it's my best work by far. I think I'm a better writer now- more experienced for one. Most of this chapter is old, though, so it's probably still no great! All the same, I wanted to finish it.**

**It's not finished yet. There is one more chapter, which WILL BE UPLOADED. Seven days, max. I doubt it'll be that long.**

**I hope this chapter and the following aren't huge disappointments. **** I came across the original reviews the other day, and they just... iasiodsjapdas. You guys. I've never known more dedicated or kind reviewers in my life, and I sincerely thank every single person who commented, liked, alerted or even read this story. You're the kind of people that make everything worthwhile. Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

******Jess x**

* * *

They had been talking in a calm, impersonal and balanced fashion for several minutes now, about surgery and cancer and things that mattered more than just a little.

"So surgery sounds like a good option."

"I… guess so."

"Come on. Of course it does."

"Hey, don't get-"

"Oh, would you just have the operation?" Dr Cox cracked, resting his hands on the back of his head. He had never one for composed or relaxed conversation, after all.

"Why?"

"Because I… don't want you to die?" he said in an awkward, slightly questioning tone.

"You can leave if you want." JD laughed softly. These situations were so surreal, he half welcomed the breaks himself. Perry nodded once, and opened the apartment door.

"Where you going?"

"I don't know, probably to stamp on a kitten or something."

JD smiled as Perry left. He was beginning to 'get' how the other man worked, to understand a bit more. He liked that. He was beginning to consider the awkward mini conversations like the one they had just had to be practice for Perry. They were a little like a class in being human. He was passing so far.

It didn't change the fact that JD would have to make a very hard decision very soon. Therapy had come and gone and yielded no answers. He had been politely asked to make a pros and cons of surgery list, which he had attempted doing. It had been impressively pathetic. He pulled out the crumpled piece of paper from behind him and reread it.

_**Pros**__: _

_I could live._

_People won't worry as much._

_No more/less therapy!_

_More time with Perry_

_Possible future with Perry?_

_**Cons**__: _

_I could die._

_Something could go wrong and I could get sicker._

_It could turn out to be inoperable._

_Perry could not want me anymore._

The one he showed Dr Jones would have all the Perry bits cut out, obviously. He knew the last one was weird, but it had been a sneaking paranoia lately: the fear that when he _wasn't _at an emotional extreme, Perry would simply lose interest and leave. He had little time for the boring or routine.

"I shouted at an old lady for getting in my way and I feel slightly better." The voice made JD jump.

"Really?"

"No, but I did find five dollars just lying in the street. So all in all I'm good. What are you drawing, Candance? The oh-so-cute prom dress you just _have _to have?"

JD threw his arms protectively over the paper. "Haha, no. Just some random therapy thing."

"Lemme see, Delilah."

"No!" JD panicked. Perry lunged for it and JD frantically ripped it up. Perry watched calmly ass white and ink blue confetti rained down on the sofa.

"Feel better now?" he asked.

"It was just… um, pros and cons."

"Of?"

"Of surgery."

"You mean the pro being life and con being death? Tough choice there."

"And we're right back to stage one," JD muttered under his breath.

"Loretta," Perry signed, leaning on the sofa. "I've tried being nasty and I'm trying to be nice. You know where I stand on this whole you-not-dying-via-cancer thing. I hate cancer. It's a bastard. It's a bastard that beats its kids and kicks dogs. I disapprove of cancer and all cancer related activities, including you having it."

"I can't say I'm on its cheerleading team."

"Then _kick it in the ass. _Get the surgery. You won't die, Gertrude. Nothing bad will happen. It'll just be like… going to sleep for a few hours, and waking up feeling a lot better."

"A chemically induced sleep during which somebody will basically stab me." JD wildly mime-knifed the air to emphasise the point.

"Yeah, it's hardly fun. But the way you are now isn't fun, either." He hesitated for a second. "Get the surgery. I… promise you won't die."

JD grew still and looked at him, eyes full and trusting. "You promise?"

"I promise. I'll be there when it starts and when it ends, and it will end okay. Don't just lie down and agree to die. That's not who you are. So just… get the operation. Please?"

"Okay." Every inch of JD's body screamed that he was saying the wrong thing, being so very wrong. But Perry hadn't ever talked like that before, not with that much emotion. "Okay, I'll get the surgery."

Through the tears filling his eyes, he thought he saw Perry smile. He felt a light pressure against his arm, as Perry attempted to pat him on the shoulder, but decided against it. Instead, he moved away from JD.

"You should just put in a cat flap for me."

"Need to go punch a baby?" JD joked, sniffing.

"Something like that. But… what you said just now?" JD looked up expectantly. "That's probably some of the best news I've ever heard. Don't think I'll ever hear much better, either. Not even if I hear that Bobbo is turning five thousand and getting one step closer to the big goodbye."

"What about Jack being born?" JD laughed, sniffing.

"It's in there somewhere." He waved his hand dismissively. "I'll call your GP later, okay?"

JD nodded, feeling weak and useless, but not caring. Perry left, closing the door gently. JD curled up and went to sleep.

* * *

JD wasn't quite sure when Elliot had drifted back into his life, but she had. Maybe she had come around with Turk one day. Maybe she had phoned him. She fit so naturally into the way he lived his life that it felt more unnatural when she wasn't around. Although, the more he thought about it, the more it was the same with all the friends he had. For the first time in a long time, he was surrounded by people who cared for him: who he cared for equally, and who he kept no secrets from.

"What's he like in bed, then?" Elliot asked casually one night, opening a bottle of beer. JD stared.

"Elliot!" Carla reprimanded. Then turned to him and said "Okay, tell us."

"I will leave!" Turk threatened, looking a little fearful.

"Leave then, we wanna know." Carla leant forward.

"Guys, _no. _We haven't even… done that." JD insisted.

"Yet," Elliot grinned.

"Yeah, well…" JD muttered, trying not to blush.

"Spoilsport. Well, what_ have_ you done?" Carla probed.

"Please, I never asked how far you and Turk went!"

_Mainly because he told me before I could even wonder. _Turk shot him a look that kept him from expressing this thought out loud.

"Oh come on, JD, lighten up!" Elliot laughed.

"I bet Dr Cox is angry," Carla mused. "Ooh, I'll bet he's into violent stuff."

"I wonder what'd happen if you slapped him?" Elliot pondered. "It might turn him on."

"Try tying him up!"

"Or you could just hit him with a lamp." Everybody stared at Elliot. "What? Barry once had a boyfriend who-"

"Okay, definitely leaving," Turk announced as he stood up.

"Coming with you!" JD followed him, before tripping over a piece of flicked up carpet and falling to the ground. Everybody laughed as he hit the ground, and despite the extra pain in his limbs, he had to grin. It was so very good to feel normal again.

* * *

"Freaking out about the operation?" Perry asked, passing JD a cup of coffee that he accepted gratefully.

"Just a lot."

"How far off is it?" JD shot him a look. "Fine, three weeks. Right?"

"I'm just glad they gave me time to prepare myself. Dr Collin rocks like that."

Dr Collin was JD's new doctor. He wore half-moon glasses and a bad toupee that wobbled whenever he frantically scribbled notes. JD couldn't look at him without wanting to burst out laughing. It lightened meetings, and that suited JD fairly well.

Perry had come to the last appointment. JD had nearly fainted from shock when Perry had calmly walked in, explained that he was JD's brother and looked at the doctor as if to challenge him to question it. He hadn't, and Perry had actually stayed fairly respectful through the entire thing. He had insulted the doctor subtly several times and 'accidently' smacked his notes out of his hand twice, but that was pretty good going for someone like Dr Cox.

"I have an idea," Perry declared. "I imagine that you will find it amazing, because everything I do is amazing."

"You're Einstein with better hair," JD said sarcastically. "Go on."

"Didn't Jones tell you to do some stupid 'Ten Regrets' list?"

"Probably." JD mused. "It was a while ago, though."

"He did, you've whined about it before. So go and fetch it."

"What? Why? I'm not even sure where it is."

"Just look for it. You will see eventually. Trust me, I'm always right."

With a sigh and a grumble, JD wandered off to his room. He upturned a few folders and shifted a few files, and eventually found a torn and dirtied draft of the Ten Regrets list. He wandered back through holding it.

"Yes?" he said expectantly.

"Put it on the table."

"Oh, God. This isn't another expedition into 'niceness', is it?"

"It may very well be. So shut your face, Melissa, and just let me read your stupid goddamn girly hopes and dreams."

"Doing well so far," JD remarked, throwing the paper onto the table and curling up on the sofa. He watched as Perry read it. What had he even written on that stupid list? There had been something about Australia… something about Dan… and _oh. _Colour drained slowly from JD's face as he remembered some of the more person aspects.

"Actually, I'd rather you didn't-" he started to ask, panic building.

"Shut it. Number ten can be considered irrelevant."

Ahh, yes, the famously unfinished. _Never told Dr Cox I-_

"'Completed' is probably a better way of phrasing it."

"Fair enough," the other man grunted. "As for the rest, we'll go through them one by one."

"What are we doing?" JD complained.

"You're afraid you might die in surgery. Here is a list of ten- nine things you will regret not doing if you die in surgery. Let's get them done, and then you have nothing to fear. Make sense?"

"Not really. Half of those things weren't even serious."

"Good, less to do. Now, number one." He cleared his throat. "Never got married".

"I don't think we can do that in three weeks."

"Fair point."

"And I'm not sure you can marry a man."

"And I'm not sure white wouldn't make your ass look big. I'm not marrying you, Fiona."

"I'm not asking you to. So why are we doing this?"

"We just are. So marriage is kind of out. Is that a big problem?"

"I… I don't know," JD admitted.

"So what's changed? This was one of the most important things to you once. Decided wedding cake has too many calories? Or would Barbie just scratch your eyes out if you got married before she did?"

"I honestly don't know. I just don't think that it matters to me that much anymore. Think I can change it?"

"It's your list, Doris," Perry remarked, handing JD the sheet back. He scrabbled around for a pen, before crossing it out and writing on

'**Was never in a long term relationship'.**

"Define long term?" Perry asked. "I know everything must seem long term compared to the two day relationships you have with various men in pubs, but it's nice to get perspective on these things."

"I don't know, a year? A few years? And that's not doable in three weeks."

"No, but… we're doing alright, aren't we?" Something in JD's stomach flipped over. "I mean, I don't see it ending any time soon. So that one could work out. Anyway, number two." JD thought it best not to comment. "Never fell in love."

"That one can be crossed off." JD said quietly, not making eye contact.

"Crossed off like 'not doing it', or crossed off like 'done it'?"

"Second one." Nobody spoke as the pen scratched a neat line through number two.

"Okay, so three." Perry continued. "Never had kids".

"See, that isn't doable either."

"And that bothers you?"

"I don't know. I guess it's like the marriage thing. I'd never really thought about it before and I don't want to think about it now. I think… maybe it felt more likely something I should do than something I wanted to do, you know? Maybe I'm too immature for kids, or maybe being Izzy's godfather is good enough. I don't know. But right now it doesn't matter to me."

"Fair enough, ladyface. I'm just crossing that one off completely, then." JD nodded.

"Never perfected victory dance?" JD asked, items coming back to him.

"Indeed, and you are so girlish I'm mildly concerned you're growing breasts." He peered as if trying to see down JD's top, who crossed his arms and glared like an annoyed woman in a bar. "Who's the guy that teaches you that stuff?"

"Roland."

"The heavyset orderly?" JD nodded. "He's still at the hospital. I'll tell him to come around next week."

"You'd ask him for me?"

"I didn't say ask," Perry said grimly. "Okay, halfway through. Never went to Australia. Can't do that in three weeks, but you can certainly do it. People like to throw money at sick people. It makes them feel better about themselves. You can bet we'll have that done by the end of the year."

_Do not comment on the use of 'we'._

"Never learned to like scotch," Perry grinned, and JD suddenly felt very unnerved. "We will begin work on that as soon as your health is alright. I would water it down but I'd have to get a sex change first. I'm a man. I take my scotch straight, with a shot of Tabasco or sulphuric acid if I can."

"I'll keep that in mind," JD commented dryly.

"Okay, now the next two I can get behind. Punching Dan and Keith seem like very good ideas."

"You know, I don't actually think I have a problem with Dan anymore," JD said, surprised.

"What the hell brought that on? He's such an annoying, girly manchild he actually makes you seem a productive member of society."

"Probably best not to punch him then, if he makes me look good. And I don't know. Maybe this has all shown me how much I need my family?"

"He has no idea you're ill."

"Yeah, but he's still family."

Perry ended up sadly scribbling it off. "And Keith?"

"Oh no, I'm still up for that."

"Excellent. Last one. Never 'came out'." He looked at JD in a very knowing way. "Really?"

"Shut up!"

"But honestly?"

"What? What's wrong with that?" JD asked defensively.

"Everybody already knows, for one."

"That isn't true."

"Well I know, Carla knows, Barbie knows- even your heterosexual life partner knows. Who else is there left to tell?"

"I guess you have a point," JD said slowly.

"Of course I do. So the only ones you actually have to do are go to Australia, do the victory dance, get drunk most days and punch Keith. You could probably do all four at the same time if you really wanted."

JD looked at Perry, smiling. "What? Oh no, come on. Don't do the girlish smile at me, Mercedes." JD leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. Perry froze for a minute, and JD braced himself for a punch. Instead, Perry just glared.

"Still such an incredible little girl." Then, to JD's shock, he kissed him back.

"Took it back?" JD asked, confused.

"No, it just turns out I like little girls." Perry paused as he realised what he had said. JD began to laugh. "Stop it! No, stop! I- I will cut you, Newbie!"

* * *

"Pop the hips, JD! Pop the hips!"

"I'm trying, Roland!"

"You sure are," Roland muttered, glancing over at Perry. He waved from the doorway in a mildly menacing way. It was only two weeks until the operation.

"I'm not sure this is going to-" Roland began. Perry did not look impressed. He straightened up and flexed his fingers. Roland gulped.

"Wait- wait, that's right! That's amazing, JD!" Roland suddenly started to exclaim.

"Really?" JD gasped.

"Of course! Wow, that's even better than mine."

"I know, right? It's the hand movements that really carry mine home." JD continued to proudly display what resembled an octopus having an epileptic seizure. Perry mimed clapping at Roland, and announced that it was time for him to leave.

* * *

"I have glasses. I'm not alright with giving you alcohol right now, Marigold, so here is apple juice." Perry explained.

"Okay, so you just said like ten things I didn't understand," JD looked up from the book he had been quietly reading before Perry's entrance.

"I meant, Sunshine, that whilst you need to learn to like scotch at some time, it can be a bit violent for a…"

"Beginner?"

"I was going to say toddler, but that works too. 'A person with cancer' would also have been an option. Right now I'd rather not get you drunk, amusing as I'm sure it is. I imagine you fall over crying about a boy who dumped you twenty years ago and try to have sex with a lamppost."

"I do get handsy," JD admitted. Perry had a Vietnam style flashback of the disastrous night in the pub right before JD confessed about the cancer. He decided to deal with it how he dealt with everything he didn't like thinking about- supress it, and move on. He placed the two glasses down neatly on the coffee table.

"We are going to practice 'downing' things. This apple juice has a fairly strong taste and even looks a bit like scotch. You are going to knock it back like a bitch, okay?"

"I thought you didn't like apple juice?" JD questioned, taking the glass that was held out.

"I don't. Mine _is _scotch."

It was only a week until the surgery. Seven days. _Crap. _ JD tried to block it out by gulping down the apple juice in one go as he had been instructed. It went down the wrong pipe and he started choking and spluttering. Perry looked over, smiled smugly, and poured himself another drink.

"You'll get the hang of it, Rachel. We've got all the time in the world for practice."

* * *

"I'm going to get out of the car, and you're going to get out of the car five minutes later. Do you understand?"

"I guess so." JD said. He was deathly white. He clutched at the seat as if he was going to be ripped away from it.

"If you aren't out in that time, I'm going to come out and get you. Otherwise I'll be hanging around, pretending to do work. Okay?"

"Okay," JD gulped.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine, yeah."

"Meaning…?"

"I'm trying to remember a movie I once watched on how to hot-wire an engine so that I can drive the car out of here. And possibly into a lake."

"Thatta girl. See you soon."

JD felt like sulking, but the sense of dread squashing him overpowered it. He was going to have surgery today. Surgery. He got nervous watching operation scenes on TV, for God's sake. Why the hell was he agreeing to this? The only thing making him willing to do it was Perry.

Perry, who refused to even enter the hospital at the same time with him. Perry, who wouldn't be seen with him.

JD checked the face of his watch, trying to stop shaking so he could see the numbers. 2:37. Three minutes until he went in after Pe- Dr Cox. He was under strict instructions to say 'Dr Cox' if he had no choice but to address the man for some incredibly important reason.

He turned on the radio, but people nearby looked and he quickly shut it off again. _It's a hospital,_ he told himself. _You won't stick out. There are hundreds of cancer patients here._

_Yes, but how about gay cancer patients who had quit their jobs without telling anyone, disappear for weeks and who was actually date the meanest doctor in the place, before coming back for surgery?_

… _maybe I can just hide in the trunk._

It was 2:39. Why wouldn't time slow down? There was no point in putting it off much longer, but he still waited every agonising second tick by until the time flickered to '2.40'. JD took a deep breath and slowly opened the car door.

* * *

"Is that Dr Dorian?"

"JD? Hey, JD!"

"No, it can't be! He's gotten so skinny."

"And that hair! JD would never let himself get hair like_ that_."

"No, guys, look at his eyes. You can tell he's Dr Dorian."

"No, look at the way he's scampering after Dr Cox. _That's _how you tell he's Dr Dorian." Perry scowled at the giggling nurses, who didn't seem particularly upset.

"Hi," a shaky voice said, almost too quiet to hear. Dr Cox nodded slightly in acknowledgement.

"How you doing?" he muttered back, suddenly finding great interest in his clipboard.

"Kinda crapping myself." JD tried to laugh, but he couldn't pull it off.

"Kiss!" a random intern yelled. Dr Cox looked up to shoot him a glare from the deaths of hell itself. The man looked physically wounded, and scuttled off. There were few seconds of incredibly awkward silence. Dr Cox glanced up to see JD suddenly looking pissed.

"You're ashamed, aren't you?"

"Dear God, Melinda, is this really the time?"

"I might not have much longer." The weight of the sentence hit them both. "I didn't think you cared of what people thought of you," he said, voice shaking with fear and anger.

"Excuse me?"

"All the secrecy about… well, us. I thought I'd be okay with it."

"But?"

"But I'm not. It just doesn't make any sense. I thought you didn't give a shit what people thought."

"I don't."

"Then why-"

"Just because I don't feel the need to suck face in public like a desperate sixteen year old-" The silence was incriminating, so he changed track. "I don't know. This is just different".

"Fair enough."

"Oh come on, Rachel, don't be like that."

"I… I came here." JD began. "I came to this hospital. Not St. Giles. Because I wanted to show you that _I _don't care. I managed to get transferred to Sacred Heart because I wanted to prove that I was ready to stop hiding, stop pretending. I guess that's just a lesson you still need to learn. If you'll excuse me-" JD took a deep breath, and finally looked Dr Cox in the eyes. "I have a surgeon to meet."

He had taken a few steps when he heard a voice shout "Newbie!" He spun around, waiting for insults or an apology or… Dr Cox was calmly but firmly holding Keith by the arm.

"You forgot something," he said, some kind of light dancing in his eyes. Slowly and deliberately, Dr Cox extended his other hand and took hold of JD's.

"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing," he muttered. "And I'm not about to pretend that this feels comfortable or that I'm not panicking inside, but I'm going to do it anyway because it's what right. You get that?"

JD nodded, smile spreading over his face. There wasn't much else he could do.

"Um, fellas- did you need me for something?" Keith asked, puzzled.

"I'm very sorry, Keith." JD said apologetically, before drawing his fist back.

* * *

"You need to work on your punches."

"I'm sure you have much experience. Possibly with nuns or orphans."

"Both. And a unicorn."

"_How dare you_."

"You know, this is probably the weirdest conversation anybody has ever had in this situation." Turk commented.

"Well this is hardly a normal situation," Dr Cox argued. "Sharon's going to go get those annoying little tumours out in a few minutes time. Anything that relaxes her has got to be a plus."

"I can hear you, you know." JD scowled.

"Oh, lie back down, Kate. And pull your gown down, the thong is showing."

JD glared, but adjusted his gown anyway. The trolley was as hard as the doctor's table had been all those months ago, and it rattled as they pushed him to the theatre.

"Yes, I'm sure that abuse is known for being a great relaxant," JD said. "What's wrong with soothing music and massage?"

"Okay, nobody is massaging anything while I'm around," Turk proclaimed. "It's unhygienic."

"Oh Gandhi, did you have to go there?" Dr Cox winced.

"I think I did," he said apologetically. They reached a set of doors. "This is as you can go, sorry."

"You're kidding me."

"Come on, man, it's hospital rules."

"I'm pretty sure there's a rule against putting hats on coma patients and posing with them for Facebook pictures too, but we've all done that."

"Yeah, well. I'm not sure it'd be a good idea for you," Turk said, quietly enough that JD had to strain to hear it.

"Why the hell not?"

"It can be upsetting. To see a friend or a… whatever go through something like that. I mean, it'll all go fine, but-"

"But _nothing_, Gandharella. I told him I'd be in there and I'm sticking by that, you understand?" They were talking about JD like he wasn't there again, but it didn't matter quite so much this time around. Dr Cox got his way (as usual), and soon JD found himself staring at the ceiling as an anaesthetist prepared things nearby. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate, nerves firing overtime and brain running a thousand horrific scenarios.

"Hey." A familiar calloused hand pressed down on his arm. "I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," JD whispered, still seriously debating just getting up and running.

"Yeah, it is. It's going to be okay." And Perry remained there, solid and dependable, his hand still anchoring JD to reality as the smiling woman turned to him. She explained that he was going to need to count down from ten, all the way down to one. It was only ten seconds, but they could be his last ten. That would have been a fully terrifying moment, utterly consuming, if not for the one tiny part of him that began mentally humming The Final Countdown.

Well, that was life, he guessed. Even in all the angst and the pain, there was always something worth smiling about.

Looking over at Perry, a familiar emotion tugged at his heart. And as he looked around and saw Turk smiling reassuringly behind his mask, and Elliot and Carla sat watching, he felt his whole self begin to relax a little.

Sometimes, if you were lucky in life, you smiled even more than you cried and the good outweighed the pain. There are not many men with cancer who believe themselves to be blessed; but in that moment, JD did.

"I'm just going to put this mask on you now, JD. It's going to be fine, and you just need to breathe in deeply," the woman told him, and JD twisted frantically on the table to look Perry in the eye.

"I love you," he said out loud, not caring if anybody heard it. And then the mask was descending on his face, and he breathed in sweet air and began to count backwards, trying to stay as calm as he could. _Ten… nine… eight… seven…_

The world was growing dim and fuzzy, and JD found that his eyes did not want to stay open. Perry held his gaze as his muscles slowly relaxed, and his eyes began to close. It was only when JD reached four that he got a reply.

"Same here, kid," the whisper came, as JD's world grew black and sleep enfolded him.


End file.
